My roommate from hell…

this past summer was my first experience living with a boyfriend. to be honest, it was awful. i was expecting cooking dinner together, snuggles and maybe even Starbucks in bed on a Saturday morning. holy crap was i wrong.

it all started with a cute bartender that applied at my job. i was helping out with HR and he came into my office for some paperwork. one thing lead to another and we got drinks after work at a local bar.

we hit it off right away and he was really easy to talk to. he had an interesting story and well looking back, i guess i was lonely.

my lease was ending in a month so he offered for me to just move in with him. i figured that couldnt be bad because id be saving money, my name wouldnt be on a lease and well frankly, why the hell not?

so i did. packed up all my stuff from my 1 bedroom and moved it into his 1 bedroom. thankfully, he was a typical bachelor and didnt have much of anything in his place, with the exception of a damn cat. (red flag…the first of many) we worked opposite schedules for a while and it wasnt awful, i usually woke up when he came home and we talked about his day and all the drunks he had to deal with.

things started to crash pretty quickly after i moved in. there was nothing physical…as in, not even a hug when i came home from a 4 day weekend helping my best friend plan her wedding. no hug, handhold or even a damn fist bump. kissing? ppsshh that stopped almost immediately.

well, just like any other normal person, i took that as something was wrong with me. the feeling of not being good enough kept flooding my head. i was also feeling like a roommate as opposed to a girlfriend. i was doing all the cleaning and laundry. the cleaning, oh dear lord the status of the apartment was that of a 21 year old single guy who is probably flunking out of college. so. many. solo. cups. why? all over the place. some empty and some with who knows what that liquid is with something fuzzy growing on it. it grossed me out i had to deep clean the apartment almost weekly.

i was beyond unhappy and feeling totally used. this kid just wanted someone to take care of him and clean up after him. uh, im not a caretaker, and if i were, id be getting paid.

i finally grew a pair and had a conversation with him about everything i was feeling. surprised, the conversation went well. as in, no yelling or screaming. very adult like. we ended things on the relationship side and agreed to be roommates until i got enough money to move out.

bonus fact. we shared a bed. talk about awkward. we slept back to back…like 2 brothers being forced to share a queen bed during the holidays. weird.

i stopped cleaning. it hurt my insides so bad to sit in filth. but i refused. he was a grown damn man in his mid 30’s and should know how to throw a stupid cup away THAT WAS PUT ON THE COUNTER 2 FEET FROM THE GARBAGE BIN! i mean seriously.

i had made a plan to move out and gave him a 2 weeks notice. i had been paying rent plus a little more for utilities but had never signed anything thank god. i thought that was fair enough and he seemed fine with it.

2 days before my Uhaul Pod arrived, he tells me “so if you want to go ahead and write me a check, thatd be fine.” um excuse me for what? so this kid tries to tell me “oh yeah, ive been billing you at the end of the month for rent.”

in what world is that ever a thing? let alone youre not going to tell your roommate that plan? oh so youre leaving in 2 days and im short on cash, you can go ahead and write me a check? yeah buddy, i’ll write you something.

i told him he had lost his marbles and that i had paid my october rent…at the beginning of the month and thought nothing more of it.

monday comes and a friend and i pack the pod and get the hell out. i sent him a text telling him his key was under the mat and that Uhaul would pick the giant pod up the next day.

he sends me a text saying “ummm so you arnt coming back? did you leave the check?”

i laugh out loud and immediately get on the phone with the friend who had helped me pack and knew all about the strange situation i had been in for a few months. i did not want to leave on a bad note with the kid, i really didnt. but i have yet to respond. he texted me again on sunday asking for the check. im so tempted to just tell him “its in the pile of trash that is your apartment, happy hunting”.

idiot.

-pineapple

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Lifetime movies are lame…

obviously, this entire blog is about the awful decisions i make in regards to men and want others to enjoy and laugh at my experiences.

ive done my fair share of flipping though the tv and accidentally landing on Lifetime. maybe accidentally on purpose because how can i change the channel when becky is dating someone who seems like a great guy? stupid becky…you know hes gonna murder you…idiot.

thank god i didnt get murdered, though at 1 point it did seem like that could be possible.

i know my biggest fault is giving those men the benefit of the doubt when no one else will. i’ve also been known to dabble into the work pool and make terrible decisions with coworkers. (honestly, at this point…i dont give a shit. online dating has been beyond a bust and im clearly not finding any winners at bars) im going to need someone to rip the heart off my sleeve and shove it in the folder where my taxes are.

hes a little bit country, im a little bit rock and roll, and thats how it started. talk about a snowball of a relationship and missing every…single…red flag imaginable.

this one started out like they all do, he was sweet, took my trash out, fixed things around my apartment that i was too lazy to fix myself. (yes, my standards have really dropped to that level) the convenience of me living ridiculously close to work only ignited and quickened our relationship. i’m a sucker for coming home to a hot meal and glass of wine. do i even need to talk about the impromptu foot rubs?! everything seemed great, which is why things started going downhill.

im going to take a second here and thank my lucky starts for one specific friend that i have who looks out for me and honestly wants whats best for me.

i had introduced this man to my friend and her significant other, something of which usually takes me a while to do. im guessing because i know deep down they are all losers. she was able to pick up on some comments that were made about his past that made her say “hmmm”.

again, thank God for her.

things really took a turn when he proposed? there was a really ugly ring though. and to make things worse, he tried to give it to me at work, while im holding a stack of files and running around like a mad woman. did i skip a head a few months? oh no…i did not.

fast forward two days later and my friend had taken me to dinner and shown me some research, which was all public knowledge. hello google. i didnt like anything i read. i had to plan to get out of this situation and the quicker the better. it was delicate and i couldnt just rip the band-aid off…sadly.

i started to push him away emotionally and physically, however due to the delicate situation i was in, i placed the blame entirely on me. i couldnt handle a relationship. i couldnt be there for him. i wasnt ready, so on and so forth.

things with him got pretty scary and intense, hence the me feeling like i was in a lifetime movie. i told him he had to get out of my apartment and that it was too much. i dont even know how i managed to get out of that situation unscathed.

is it really common place to have to google your date? common.

im throwing away my computer and will be single forever.

 

-pineapple

 

I just don’t see it…

how do I even start this post? Do I go straight to the end and say it didn’t work out? Cuz that’s been my story for the last decade. Haha.

Online dating is weird. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shallowness of “hey your hot…imma swipe right” kinda thing. This last one had promise or so I fooled myself into thinking it did.

Started out like any other, we chatted, we met, we kissed. Woo hoo. He lived a good 45 minutes away but worked fairly close to where I live. Things slowly progressed, and I was having fun. Actually ended up meeting the close friends AND mom and dad. How that happened I still don’t know.

We had enough in common to make it fun and enough of our own things to make it not annoying. There was a good balance, he even got me to watch Game of Thrones. I know I’m a few years behind everyone when it comes to that, but holy crap that’s an awesome show.

we made plans on a Thursday night to go to dinner and a baseball game Friday. I was taking the day off because I needed a day away from the hell I work in and to get a massage. He would pick me up from my place and we would have the most fun.

Until I wake up to a text Friday morning…

”I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

youve gotta be shitting me. I just looked at my phone and thought it was a joke. Did we not make plans less than 12 hours before? Did you really TEXT me to end things with me? I was able to ask him WTF bro?

he gives me the classic cop out of “I just don’t see anything long term between us and that’s what I want” then continued to contradict himself until I had enough.

oh ok…yeah no that totally makes sense. Tell your mother I said hello and your father that I think you’re an ass.

it’s looking like being that cool single aunt is gonna be my gig…I’m starting to be ok with that.

 

-p

Fly me to the moon… 

One of my best friends dates a pilot. That’s a pretty exciting life if you ask me. Seeing as I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant since I was in high school, the people that have a job around airplanes is pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Of course she’s usually looking out for me and seeing as she wants me to move to her city, she’s been trying to find a male counterpart for me to help with the enticement of moving closer to her. 

Her boyfriend has friends naturally. Tho, from what I’ve experienced, the airline industry is a whole different beast. It’s like everyone knows everyone even if they work for different airlines. Weird. Of course I was introduced to a fellow lover of the sky, or an FO as some call them. 

He was cute, naturally and my senior by only 4 years or so, you know the perfect age difference. The first time we met I had a killer migraine and was almost in tears in the back of my friends jeep. We get to the pilots apartment (luxury is just one word I would use to describe it) and I walk straight to his Restoration Hardwear leather couch and collapse. I ask for some water and any kind of pain medicine this kid has. Hi nice to meet you. 

I end up rallying (still don’t know to this day how I managed that one) and we make our way to a brewery a few blocks away. Long story short, we end up hitting it off. A lot. 

This is awesome. He’s funny, good looking, has a stable, bombass job and seems into me. Win. 

He flys to me one weekend and I drive to him a few weekends later. This continues for a while. The bottles of wine that he brings me are delicious and the hand holding in the back of an Uber makes me feel like I’m in high school again. We text each other every since we met. 

Seeing as his schedule is all over the place and mine is a solid 9-5 it seemed to work, at least well enough. No we weren’t up each other’s asses thank God, I’m not into that and from what I gathered, neither was he. 

Got a text from him last night asking if he could call me today. That was weird cuz he’s not a fan of talking on the phone, then again who really is these days? He called me while I was out at a bar with some coworkers and starts off with “so I have to tell you something.” 

Oh cool, he’s actually married and wants to work it out with his wife? Nah, thank goodness it wasn’t that. 

He just has just been seeing someone for 2 weeks now and “didn’t want to disappoint 2 women so he felt the need to tell me.” Gee thanks. I sweep it under the rug and agree to “just be friends”. Since when in the history of ever has that worked? 

Really? I mean really? That’s nice bro. Could we not even have a conversation on where this was going? 

It’s funny because this past weekend I almost texted him just letting him know that I’ve started to really catch feelings for him. Glad I didn’t. I would have felt like a huge L 7 weenie. 

 Enjoy your new person loser. I hope she has a smelly crotch. 

-p

Looks like you’re out of people…

So you’re telling me that I have swiped though alllllllll the men within a 25 mile radious of me?! You have GOT to be kidding. I would demand a refund if I had paid for this app. 

Should I expand my search radius? That would probably only be an awful idea. Seeing as IF I did that, I would find the one man who seems worth a minute of my time. We would chat, exchange numbers, and never ever meet up seeing as our schedules would conflict and I’m not a fan of driving. 

It’s awfully addicting and I can’t help myself. Should I even admit this? I blame being bored. Yeah, that’s it. Some of these profiles just make me blink and ask myself are these the only men left out there for me? I mean common, being a frat boy was once an attractive trait..no wait, it never was. Seriously? Grow up.

Where are the grown ups with real jobs, no kids and any sort of attraction to me? Well obviously they aren’t on this app. 

Please don’t tell me I have to put real clothes on and actually brush my hair. Meeting in real life is so…1999. 

No exciting updates or stories as of yet. Crossing my fingers for one to occupy my time soon. 
-p

Damn Daniel….back at it again with an ex…

I would love to say my luck with bad dates has changed but then I would be lying. Clearly nothing to exciting has happened since my last post. Let me think back….

Dated an Army man during the turn of the year…for a second time. Remember the one who turned out to be a huge dickwad and giant liar? Yeah that one. After refusing to reply to his random text videos of thunderstorms (my favorite) and a funny gif here or there he finally wore me down with a snap of Tiffanys saying “reminds me of you”. 

Now I’m not obsessed with the store, nor do I have the bank account to be. I am however deeply in love with the color. Well that peeked my interest and responded with a “why?”

I was cold and fairly snarky the through the first handful of snaps, keeping him at a distance which he more than anything deserved. Well he wore me down with the persistence and sweetness. 

Damn it!! 

I ageed to a lunch in which he picked me up from work. Was my hair and makeup on point and was my skirt just tight enough to be dangerous? You’re damn right. Did he accidentally bump a car at a stop light after he dropped me off because he was thinking about my booty? YUP. 

Lunch was done and he had given me a gift, in a little blue bag. I win. 

It was just a sliver ring that I had been wanting for my middle finger. It was his “im sorry” gift. Yeah ok. 

Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way and I thought he had grown up. Nah, course not. The laundry list of issues became even more apparent when I ripped off the rose colored glasses. I cut slingload and made him cry. At that point I was way to emotionally disconnected from the entire thing. 

Back on the Bumble train and hoping any and all of my friends know anyone worth 5 minutes of my time? Anyone….hello?

Let’s see how tired my thumb gets this time.

-p

Doughnuts are a veggie…right?

Truer words never spoken:

 

this is the 4th or maybe the 10th time ive said i was going to get healthy. ive been suffering from migraines since my junior year in highschool. thats over a decade. ive been to neurologists, taken food diaries and stress tests and i keep getting the same answer…”we dont know.”

well i think thats a load of crap. ive been trying to figure out what my triggers are, im sure my extremely unhealthy diet has something to do with it. now im not saying if i get into the best shape of my life all of my problems and migraines will go away. however, its gotta help.

the other night i was at home around 8pm and decided to pop my yoga dvd into the bluray. i looked down at my legs and thought “good lord, that cannot be right.” now, i was a former collegiate athlete and even coached swimming for 5 years. i’ve never had a bangin body at least in my eyes, but i did always have killer legs. after a few good poses and my mind at peace, i decided im doing it for real this time.

ive been a very unhappy person lately and i believe my awful diet and lack of any kind of exercise has a good chunk to do with it.

im not promising that im going to post any progress pictures because lets face it, im still way to self conscious for all that nonsense. but i have found writing helps. so not only will i be sweating because im nervous on an awful date but ill also be sweating to kick my own ass.

this is going to be hard. i love a good doughnut and a gallon of icecream….

namaste bitches.

-p

Rotten apple

im going to start this off by saying it has nothing to do with a man, or my job. this post is simply a quick rant about technology…well one particular company.

of course im apart of the overwhelming percentage of people with an iphone. yay apple. its great! user friendly for sure, sleek and just a good time. butttttttt….

i HATE the new update. just because apple is coming out with a new phone…all of a sudden all of my shit starts to not work. i swear its a conspiracy.  my videos wont load even though im fully connected to wifi and i cant even listen to my voicemails!

this is bullshit. and just another reason why i hate technology. granted, thanks to tinder and bumble and all those other apps i can go on multiple terrible dates, but seriously? this is 2016 right?

im the least technologically advanced person of my generation. im sure of that. but heres a big fuck you to apple for making my disaster of a life just a bit more awful.

im going to go watch new episodes of new girl. heres to hoping my netflix and/or bluray player doesnt take a shit too.

 

-p

bumble…like a bee.

ive given up on tinder for a while, but i have not given up on swiping. theres somthing about it. its just too easy. damn you technology.

theres a new app which puts girls in control and has been described as the sadie hawkins of online dating. im into that.

the first encounter was around the end of June. a travel nurse. i had no clue what that was but of course he seemed normal. when am i ever going to learn, no one is normal. he had just moved to the durham area and was looking for someone to hangout with. ohh pick me. we hung out a handful of times and made out like we were in 7th grade. (even though i didnt get my first kiss til 16?…).then that was it. i was ghosted. he just fell off the face of the earth. i wasnt sad at all.

the second encounter was with a clinical research associate. he looked hot. i was actually surprised he swiped right on me too. i met him for drinks close to one of my jobs to make it easier on me..duh. the conversation was more dull than unsweetened almond milk in unflavored oatmeal. i bailed fairly quickly and didnt respond to any of his followup texts.

the third was a midget from cleveland. ok not a real midget but when i towered over him in my 3inch heels…he felt like a midget. he obvioulsy had a lot to prove. another me-monster who talked about how great he was at his job. (selling suits at his friends business..eh ok.) he shifted the conversation into how many girls hes hooked up with and how good he is at that. hello no thank you.

i kept my hope alive and continued to swipe. a handful of prospects turned out to be duds. nothing went further than texting. *shrug*

the fourth encounter seemed promising. i really need to stop saying that. he was into cars, guns and outdoors. he also had the prettiest dog ever. so im into dogs and the fact it liked me back was a bonus. things got serious with him fast, at least on his end. asked about knowing if you love someone after 2 weeks. im not one to judge by time but i also still need to know what your favorite color and pizza topping is before i bust out the L word. he got the vibe i wasnt into anything serious. he offered to still be friends. i accepted and so far i have a new friend which is awesome. i call that one a win.

the most recent was probably the biggest disappointment as of late. im not saying that sarcastically. everything was great. clicked instantly and had so much in common. we chatted for a day or two. he had recently come to the east coast from the west and had the same kind of background. we met up for a date at a trendy restaurant that had a bar. he brought me flowers which was sweet but posed an issue once we got into the restaurant. he told me to pick a spot so i made my way to a hightop. apparently he didnt want to do that. he gently pushed me to the lounge area with super low hip couches with even lower tables. where the hell am i supposed to put my flowers? the table was large enough for my cocktail and a fly to sit on the edge. i didnt want to put the flowers on the floor, so i dragged another table over. the couch was large enough for me to sit by myself comfortably with a little extra room. how the hell do they expect two people to sit and enjoy each other? granted how do they expect a full grown woman and extremely large man to sit comfortably? impossible. most awkward eating scenario ive ever been in. theres a reason tables you eat at are a certain height. anyway, i tried to make a spark happen, i really did. but between the “wanting to snuggle on the couch” (look dude, theres barely enough room for us on here…the last thing i want to do is be under your arm with no neck mobility to be able to look at you and continue my story) “the hand holding” (i have the sweatiest of palms especially thanks to this ridiculously hot summer) and “the kiss attempt take one” (i saw that coming and instantly grabbed for my water, thought i was in the clear) and “the kiss attempt take two” (yes, i did put my finger on his lips and asked him if he was really going to try to kiss me on our first date. call me an ass. i dont care) hello awkward moment. sheesh. the date eneded with plans to go to lunch the next day. still trying to pour gasoline on a cigarette cherry, i said yes. the next day i had a killer migraine and had to bail. hes since gotten the feeling that “youre just seem to not be as into me when we first started talking…” i feel like ive been in this situation before…oh yea check post “heidi ho neighbor….” regardless he keeps texting me and as we all know i’m terrible at really telling them i just cant.

maybe he’ll get the point so i dont have to do or say anything. till then i’ll just keep avoiding the entire situation like cleaning my apartment.

im mature. i know.

-pineapple

 

G.I. Hoe

i feel like my entire 20’s has been starting and stopping, in regards to everything, my housing, my jobs and my relationships. that’s ok tho.

the last scumbag i dated back in the spring just turned out like all the rest. are we really surprised? i wasnt. it started out great, the kissing, the sweet gestures. i even got over the fact he had a kid. i would be an awesome stepmom, just saying. he was military. i know i know, not my fault. he took me to a ball down in beautiful florida. it was 4 awesome days of beachin it, getting dressed up and cocktails. the relationship continued as it typically does and he did his military thing. i was getting the hang of only taking to him once a day when he was away, then of course the crash and burn happened.

a weekend away in a different city was normal. what wasnt normal with this specific trip is that he didnt text me…for 2 entire days. i thought he was dead. a little morbid i know, but comes with the job. come to find out he wasnt dead! hallelujah! he texted me back saying that he was back in his home city with a bunch of his friends with an awful hangover. (wait…youre not in the city you were working in? when did you leave? are you kidding me?) now, ive done my share of partying, but a 2 day hangover where the radio silence is in full effect with someone youre…..dating? negative. i gave him an earful and his response was of course that i was overreacting. maybe, but highly unlikely. i just wanted to know that you wernt dead stupid. he was being beyond shady in regards to the entire situation. not cool bro.

something made me look on his tinder profile. i noticed a brand new picture. now, im not good at math but i put a few things together. 1)still on tinder with a new picture + 1)no response to your GIRLFRIEND for a few days  = probable cheating and sketchyness.

he tried to break up with me via text saying something like “i just dont think we see things the same way.” yeah, like i dont think its cool to cheat on someone youre dating or just blatantly ignore them. of course i was not going to let this ass do the breaking up…so i called him.

we had about a 15 minute conversation…one that was about 14 minutes too long in my opinion that ended with a

me: do you even want to be with me?

him: i donno, i have to think about that.

waaaaait what? you have to think about if you really want to be with me? um ok.

me: let me help you, we’re done.

click.

i havent heard much from him since, with the exception of him liking all my recent facebook posts and photos. oh also got a video from the field of a lighting storm with a “i think youd really enjoy this”.

can i please find someone who isnt totally self absorbed and doent treat me like garbage? or at least responds to my texts?

-p