Pick me up…no no put me back down…

i thought id take the time to share some of winners who have tried to contact me on my online profile. i get it, sometimes online dating can be hard and you need to say something to stand out from the rest of the schmucks. unfortunately these need to try again. do these pick-up lines really work on women? i wasnt feelin it so i didnt respond to these guys. was that rude? whoops. here we go…

8:46pm: “hey gorgeous, saw your profile and wanted to ask if we could be friends and know each other more. i moved recently to the area from Boston for new job in biotech company. was thinking if we could meet sometime for dinner, drinks or movie?      thanks.

8 minutes later… “hope you could reply”

-no thanks boston. ill pass. besides clocking on your profile and seeing id be 5 inches taller than you and look like your bodyguard, im gonna take a wild guess we dont have much in common.

3:38pm: “i like how you used the word lady. i cant get myself to message a “gal” “gurrrl” or “grrl” and other such variants of women. whats up?

the next day: “it isn’t lady like not to reply my lady. :p”

-when you have something in your profile about being a grammar nazi, ill pass.

6:40am: “hello miss, how are you? i wonder is your heart sweeter than your beauty?”

-nope. its not. i dont even have a heart. click.

10:14am: “would you merry me? dont get freaked out im just joking lol but those are the only words i can say to someone has the most romantic face with a smile on it i have seen in a long time you so beautiful and i might even fall in love with you if i keep looking at your face 🙂 please tell me what kind of miracle do i need to have dinner with you sometimes and be able to know you more in person??”

-who doesnt like a good italian man? but slow down there mister. and can you learn where to put a period, comma, semicolon…anything?

10:39am “you are really unbelievably drop dead fred gorgeous. my god. *faints*

-good movie, but youre a little dramatic mr.

10:42am “wow..i honestly cant find a single thing wrong with you. youre gorgeous, you sound very unique and interesting which paired with a sexy body almost never happens. and youre close! ahh!! =D please tell me noone has stolen you yet?!? not sure exactly what im after on this site, all i know is i just spent alot of time checking you out and i dont want to leave=))”

-creepy. i feel like the possibility of being turned into a skin-suit was high with that one.

is it me? it has to be. time for coffee, or maybe a bottle of wine….

-pineapple

 

Clingy, like saran wrap

after only a few failed attempts at online dating, i had not been totally discouraged. a few days after the catfish encounter a cute blonde started messaging me. we began chatting and he seemed normal enough. (i know, when will i learn?) i had agreed to you guessed it..sushi.

this particular young man was tall..enough, and full of compliments. we had a lot of the same interests and things were going smoothly. we finished dinner and went for a walk around the block.

now, i would consider myself moderately athletic. i was an athlete in high school and college and have recently picked up a yoga routine. however, after stuffing my face at dinner the last thing i want to do is walk, a lot. 

after walking around a block a few times and trying to keep my breathing regular, things started to get a little sticky. (well besides my forehead..gross)

he began talking about how he wanted something serious and wasn’t looking just for a fling. i found that refreshing.

but then, he kept talking about how he just wanted someone to cuddle with, and come home to. someone to always be there for him and so on. i got the point. there was no need to beat a dead horse.

but then, it got worse and a little creepy. he talked about how he could see us hanging out everyday and blah blah blah. he kept trying to hold my hand and i felt like i was in a terrible teen movie. i had done all the slick get out of a pda situation without hurting his feelings. remember i like letting them down easy.

we left things pretty up in the air. i told him i had a nice time and he was sweet. after parting ways i get a message not 4 minutes later wanting to hang out again. a few days later i responded with the fact i had met someone else. he proceeded to ask more questions, none of which were his business, and he wanted to stay friends. he told me he was heart-broken i had already found someone. (a little soon for the heart-break talk i thought?)

regardless, ive never spoken to him since then. a part of me wanted to help him and tell him next time not to be so…i dont know clingy and desperate? i left that one alone. 

maybe this next one wont be so bad.

-p

 

 

 

 

 

Here fishy fishy

one of my guilty pleasures has been the MTV show “catfish”. regardless of it typically having the same ending, you know the kinda geeky guy just looking for love gets messaged by some blonde bombshell who ends up being a large white guy who created “Amanda’s” profile because he was just having fun, or he had been bullied so he wanted to get back at people.

not too long ago i myself was victim of the catfish.

ill preface this by saying, online dating is not for everyone.

seeing as i was on the hunt for.. no wait, that sounds awful, let me start again. seeing as i was just a hopeless romantic looking for her prince i kept my options wide open and gave just about everyone a chance. im not recommending that to anyone. i have a bad habit of seeing the good or the potential for good in people.

after chatting with a young man for a few days we agreed to grab sushi. apparently thats my go-to food for a first date. looking back here are just a few red flags:

1) his profile picture was of 3 guys 2) it looked like an older picture 3) he only had one picture.

im an idiot i know.

regardless, i met up at a local sushi joint with high hopes. after meeting up with a rather large, (i dont mean just fat, he could turn me into a pancake if i said the wrong thing) guy who looked nothing like anyone in the pictures, we sat down for food. ill withhold all the awful details of how he droned on and on about golf. after telling me was a professional, and got paid from teaching private lessons on the course because he was “soooo goood”, i lost interest quickly.

talking to the “me-monster” for 26 minutes had turned me into a zoned out not nice person. i could see right through all the bs that he was trying to play off as game. my answers began to get shorter and my eye might have wandered to a cute bartender…with those tattoos…and that jawline..wait what? anyways. i scarfed down my rolls and begged for the date to end. the waiter came by and asked if we were ready for the check. “me-monster” responded with “we are actually going to go dutch, but because i am a gentleman, ill pay for the more expensive one.” he was joking right? nope.

way to go smartie, the sushi was buy one get one free. im no math wizard, but the checks came out to be pretty much the same. i gave my card to the waiter and sweetly smiled, tho i hoped he could pick up on my “can-you-believe-what-this-jerk-just-did” look.

i quickly got up and bolted for the door. just in time for the biggest rain storm i had seen in a long time. my sweet, sweet date for the night, offered to walk me to my car. when the rain had lightened just a bit i responded with a “sure”, stuck my hands in my pockets, put my head down and began my best attempt at walking fast but not fast enough that it looked like i was running from a psycho.

he went on and on about how i, yes i had such a great time with him and he knew i was dying to see him again. blah blah blah. i turned rude got to my car and quickly responded with, “yeah i dont think so. um have fun driving back home and be safe.”

a text message 2 days later asking for another sushi dinner warranted a response from me saying “its not going to work. sorry”. i know i like to let them down gently. thankfully he got the point and left me alone.

next time i hope to get the spicy tuna, and not a bottom feeder.

-pineapple