heidi ho neighbor…

i cant remember which terrible free site i was on and met the last winner, not like it matters. i dont know if im too nice or just looking for losers in all the wrong places.

he was sweet. i knew it. it went all downhill from there. he was also clean shaven. in theory thats not a bad thing. i also dont have a specific type. maybe thats my problem. i still gave him a chance. i also found out he lived within a stones throw away from me. no joke. i thought it might be super convenient. a possible neighbor romance? ok.

of course i was wrong.

after a few days of texting, i agreed to meet up at the local craft brew bar? conveniently right down the road. i only agreed on that because i did not want to drive downtown. the conversation wasnt terrible. he was actually pretty smart. then i started to glaze over worse than a doughnut. i dont even remember what he was saying. he wasnt funny. all girls like a guy who can make her laugh.

after one beer, 2 book clubs and an awkward kiss at the end of the night he sailed right into the friend zone. we said our awkward goodbyes and that was that. or so i thought.

im a terrible closer. or maybe i just dont like hurting their feelings. the next day he texted me and my responses were short and sweet. then i get this…

“i sense a steep decline in your interest since yesterday. were you weirded out that i kissed you? if im misinterpreting that then great, but i dont want to prolong this if youre not interested.”

whoops.

-p

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how i know youre a douche without having to click anything

i downloaded another “dating” site. well its an app, yeah the swipe left swipe right one. theres almost no detail to the profiles and ive been told its just for hookups. obviously, if i think your picture is attractive i swipe right, and hope you did the same to me, we can chat, you ask for my number then ask me out for a beer and try to get some.

im not into that so this is more of an entertaining aspect of being single. there are a lot of characters on there let me tell you. and there are some ways to guarantee that i will always swipe left or “nope” such as but not limited to…

if you have more than one picture of you doing some sort of mud run. i get it your athletic and like to get dirty..but seriously?

if you only have shirtless and headless pictures. you have kinda a six pack good for you. can i see your face tho? thats a little more important.

if you only have group pictures. i like that you have friends but WHICH ONE ARE YOU?!

if all of your pictures are of you drinking. i enjoy a good beer too, but i also have a life…

if there are pictures of you and a girl. really? shes your sister..sure sure but lets not put those on a dating site.

schmucks. all of em.

-p