My roommate from hell…

this past summer was my first experience living with a boyfriend. to be honest, it was awful. i was expecting cooking dinner together, snuggles and maybe even Starbucks in bed on a Saturday morning. holy crap was i wrong.

it all started with a cute bartender that applied at my job. i was helping out with HR and he came into my office for some paperwork. one thing lead to another and we got drinks after work at a local bar.

we hit it off right away and he was really easy to talk to. he had an interesting story and well looking back, i guess i was lonely.

my lease was ending in a month so he offered for me to just move in with him. i figured that couldnt be bad because id be saving money, my name wouldnt be on a lease and well frankly, why the hell not?

so i did. packed up all my stuff from my 1 bedroom and moved it into his 1 bedroom. thankfully, he was a typical bachelor and didnt have much of anything in his place, with the exception of a damn cat. (red flag…the first of many) we worked opposite schedules for a while and it wasnt awful, i usually woke up when he came home and we talked about his day and all the drunks he had to deal with.

things started to crash pretty quickly after i moved in. there was nothing physical…as in, not even a hug when i came home from a 4 day weekend helping my best friend plan her wedding. no hug, handhold or even a damn fist bump. kissing? ppsshh that stopped almost immediately.

well, just like any other normal person, i took that as something was wrong with me. the feeling of not being good enough kept flooding my head. i was also feeling like a roommate as opposed to a girlfriend. i was doing all the cleaning and laundry. the cleaning, oh dear lord the status of the apartment was that of a 21 year old single guy who is probably flunking out of college. so. many. solo. cups. why? all over the place. some empty and some with who knows what that liquid is with something fuzzy growing on it. it grossed me out i had to deep clean the apartment almost weekly.

i was beyond unhappy and feeling totally used. this kid just wanted someone to take care of him and clean up after him. uh, im not a caretaker, and if i were, id be getting paid.

i finally grew a pair and had a conversation with him about everything i was feeling. surprised, the conversation went well. as in, no yelling or screaming. very adult like. we ended things on the relationship side and agreed to be roommates until i got enough money to move out.

bonus fact. we shared a bed. talk about awkward. we slept back to back…like 2 brothers being forced to share a queen bed during the holidays. weird.

i stopped cleaning. it hurt my insides so bad to sit in filth. but i refused. he was a grown damn man in his mid 30’s and should know how to throw a stupid cup away THAT WAS PUT ON THE COUNTER 2 FEET FROM THE GARBAGE BIN! i mean seriously.

i had made a plan to move out and gave him a 2 weeks notice. i had been paying rent plus a little more for utilities but had never signed anything thank god. i thought that was fair enough and he seemed fine with it.

2 days before my Uhaul Pod arrived, he tells me “so if you want to go ahead and write me a check, thatd be fine.” um excuse me for what? so this kid tries to tell me “oh yeah, ive been billing you at the end of the month for rent.”

in what world is that ever a thing? let alone youre not going to tell your roommate that plan? oh so youre leaving in 2 days and im short on cash, you can go ahead and write me a check? yeah buddy, i’ll write you something.

i told him he had lost his marbles and that i had paid my october rent…at the beginning of the month and thought nothing more of it.

monday comes and a friend and i pack the pod and get the hell out. i sent him a text telling him his key was under the mat and that Uhaul would pick the giant pod up the next day.

he sends me a text saying “ummm so you arnt coming back? did you leave the check?”

i laugh out loud and immediately get on the phone with the friend who had helped me pack and knew all about the strange situation i had been in for a few months. i did not want to leave on a bad note with the kid, i really didnt. but i have yet to respond. he texted me again on sunday asking for the check. im so tempted to just tell him “its in the pile of trash that is your apartment, happy hunting”.

idiot.

-pineapple

Lifetime movies are lame…

obviously, this entire blog is about the awful decisions i make in regards to men and want others to enjoy and laugh at my experiences.

ive done my fair share of flipping though the tv and accidentally landing on Lifetime. maybe accidentally on purpose because how can i change the channel when becky is dating someone who seems like a great guy? stupid becky…you know hes gonna murder you…idiot.

thank god i didnt get murdered, though at 1 point it did seem like that could be possible.

i know my biggest fault is giving those men the benefit of the doubt when no one else will. i’ve also been known to dabble into the work pool and make terrible decisions with coworkers. (honestly, at this point…i dont give a shit. online dating has been beyond a bust and im clearly not finding any winners at bars) im going to need someone to rip the heart off my sleeve and shove it in the folder where my taxes are.

hes a little bit country, im a little bit rock and roll, and thats how it started. talk about a snowball of a relationship and missing every…single…red flag imaginable.

this one started out like they all do, he was sweet, took my trash out, fixed things around my apartment that i was too lazy to fix myself. (yes, my standards have really dropped to that level) the convenience of me living ridiculously close to work only ignited and quickened our relationship. i’m a sucker for coming home to a hot meal and glass of wine. do i even need to talk about the impromptu foot rubs?! everything seemed great, which is why things started going downhill.

im going to take a second here and thank my lucky starts for one specific friend that i have who looks out for me and honestly wants whats best for me.

i had introduced this man to my friend and her significant other, something of which usually takes me a while to do. im guessing because i know deep down they are all losers. she was able to pick up on some comments that were made about his past that made her say “hmmm”.

again, thank God for her.

things really took a turn when he proposed? there was a really ugly ring though. and to make things worse, he tried to give it to me at work, while im holding a stack of files and running around like a mad woman. did i skip a head a few months? oh no…i did not.

fast forward two days later and my friend had taken me to dinner and shown me some research, which was all public knowledge. hello google. i didnt like anything i read. i had to plan to get out of this situation and the quicker the better. it was delicate and i couldnt just rip the band-aid off…sadly.

i started to push him away emotionally and physically, however due to the delicate situation i was in, i placed the blame entirely on me. i couldnt handle a relationship. i couldnt be there for him. i wasnt ready, so on and so forth.

things with him got pretty scary and intense, hence the me feeling like i was in a lifetime movie. i told him he had to get out of my apartment and that it was too much. i dont even know how i managed to get out of that situation unscathed.

is it really common place to have to google your date? common.

im throwing away my computer and will be single forever.

 

-pineapple

 

I just don’t see it…

how do I even start this post? Do I go straight to the end and say it didn’t work out? Cuz that’s been my story for the last decade. Haha.

Online dating is weird. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shallowness of “hey your hot…imma swipe right” kinda thing. This last one had promise or so I fooled myself into thinking it did.

Started out like any other, we chatted, we met, we kissed. Woo hoo. He lived a good 45 minutes away but worked fairly close to where I live. Things slowly progressed, and I was having fun. Actually ended up meeting the close friends AND mom and dad. How that happened I still don’t know.

We had enough in common to make it fun and enough of our own things to make it not annoying. There was a good balance, he even got me to watch Game of Thrones. I know I’m a few years behind everyone when it comes to that, but holy crap that’s an awesome show.

we made plans on a Thursday night to go to dinner and a baseball game Friday. I was taking the day off because I needed a day away from the hell I work in and to get a massage. He would pick me up from my place and we would have the most fun.

Until I wake up to a text Friday morning…

”I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

youve gotta be shitting me. I just looked at my phone and thought it was a joke. Did we not make plans less than 12 hours before? Did you really TEXT me to end things with me? I was able to ask him WTF bro?

he gives me the classic cop out of “I just don’t see anything long term between us and that’s what I want” then continued to contradict himself until I had enough.

oh ok…yeah no that totally makes sense. Tell your mother I said hello and your father that I think you’re an ass.

it’s looking like being that cool single aunt is gonna be my gig…I’m starting to be ok with that.

 

-p

Fly me to the moon… 

One of my best friends dates a pilot. That’s a pretty exciting life if you ask me. Seeing as I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant since I was in high school, the people that have a job around airplanes is pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Of course she’s usually looking out for me and seeing as she wants me to move to her city, she’s been trying to find a male counterpart for me to help with the enticement of moving closer to her. 

Her boyfriend has friends naturally. Tho, from what I’ve experienced, the airline industry is a whole different beast. It’s like everyone knows everyone even if they work for different airlines. Weird. Of course I was introduced to a fellow lover of the sky, or an FO as some call them. 

He was cute, naturally and my senior by only 4 years or so, you know the perfect age difference. The first time we met I had a killer migraine and was almost in tears in the back of my friends jeep. We get to the pilots apartment (luxury is just one word I would use to describe it) and I walk straight to his Restoration Hardwear leather couch and collapse. I ask for some water and any kind of pain medicine this kid has. Hi nice to meet you. 

I end up rallying (still don’t know to this day how I managed that one) and we make our way to a brewery a few blocks away. Long story short, we end up hitting it off. A lot. 

This is awesome. He’s funny, good looking, has a stable, bombass job and seems into me. Win. 

He flys to me one weekend and I drive to him a few weekends later. This continues for a while. The bottles of wine that he brings me are delicious and the hand holding in the back of an Uber makes me feel like I’m in high school again. We text each other every since we met. 

Seeing as his schedule is all over the place and mine is a solid 9-5 it seemed to work, at least well enough. No we weren’t up each other’s asses thank God, I’m not into that and from what I gathered, neither was he. 

Got a text from him last night asking if he could call me today. That was weird cuz he’s not a fan of talking on the phone, then again who really is these days? He called me while I was out at a bar with some coworkers and starts off with “so I have to tell you something.” 

Oh cool, he’s actually married and wants to work it out with his wife? Nah, thank goodness it wasn’t that. 

He just has just been seeing someone for 2 weeks now and “didn’t want to disappoint 2 women so he felt the need to tell me.” Gee thanks. I sweep it under the rug and agree to “just be friends”. Since when in the history of ever has that worked? 

Really? I mean really? That’s nice bro. Could we not even have a conversation on where this was going? 

It’s funny because this past weekend I almost texted him just letting him know that I’ve started to really catch feelings for him. Glad I didn’t. I would have felt like a huge L 7 weenie. 

 Enjoy your new person loser. I hope she has a smelly crotch. 

-p

Damn Daniel….back at it again with an ex…

I would love to say my luck with bad dates has changed but then I would be lying. Clearly nothing to exciting has happened since my last post. Let me think back….

Dated an Army man during the turn of the year…for a second time. Remember the one who turned out to be a huge dickwad and giant liar? Yeah that one. After refusing to reply to his random text videos of thunderstorms (my favorite) and a funny gif here or there he finally wore me down with a snap of Tiffanys saying “reminds me of you”. 

Now I’m not obsessed with the store, nor do I have the bank account to be. I am however deeply in love with the color. Well that peeked my interest and responded with a “why?”

I was cold and fairly snarky the through the first handful of snaps, keeping him at a distance which he more than anything deserved. Well he wore me down with the persistence and sweetness. 

Damn it!! 

I ageed to a lunch in which he picked me up from work. Was my hair and makeup on point and was my skirt just tight enough to be dangerous? You’re damn right. Did he accidentally bump a car at a stop light after he dropped me off because he was thinking about my booty? YUP. 

Lunch was done and he had given me a gift, in a little blue bag. I win. 

It was just a sliver ring that I had been wanting for my middle finger. It was his “im sorry” gift. Yeah ok. 

Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way and I thought he had grown up. Nah, course not. The laundry list of issues became even more apparent when I ripped off the rose colored glasses. I cut slingload and made him cry. At that point I was way to emotionally disconnected from the entire thing. 

Back on the Bumble train and hoping any and all of my friends know anyone worth 5 minutes of my time? Anyone….hello?

Let’s see how tired my thumb gets this time.

-p

Rotten apple

im going to start this off by saying it has nothing to do with a man, or my job. this post is simply a quick rant about technology…well one particular company.

of course im apart of the overwhelming percentage of people with an iphone. yay apple. its great! user friendly for sure, sleek and just a good time. butttttttt….

i HATE the new update. just because apple is coming out with a new phone…all of a sudden all of my shit starts to not work. i swear its a conspiracy.  my videos wont load even though im fully connected to wifi and i cant even listen to my voicemails!

this is bullshit. and just another reason why i hate technology. granted, thanks to tinder and bumble and all those other apps i can go on multiple terrible dates, but seriously? this is 2016 right?

im the least technologically advanced person of my generation. im sure of that. but heres a big fuck you to apple for making my disaster of a life just a bit more awful.

im going to go watch new episodes of new girl. heres to hoping my netflix and/or bluray player doesnt take a shit too.

 

-p

G.I. Hoe

i feel like my entire 20’s has been starting and stopping, in regards to everything, my housing, my jobs and my relationships. that’s ok tho.

the last scumbag i dated back in the spring just turned out like all the rest. are we really surprised? i wasnt. it started out great, the kissing, the sweet gestures. i even got over the fact he had a kid. i would be an awesome stepmom, just saying. he was military. i know i know, not my fault. he took me to a ball down in beautiful florida. it was 4 awesome days of beachin it, getting dressed up and cocktails. the relationship continued as it typically does and he did his military thing. i was getting the hang of only taking to him once a day when he was away, then of course the crash and burn happened.

a weekend away in a different city was normal. what wasnt normal with this specific trip is that he didnt text me…for 2 entire days. i thought he was dead. a little morbid i know, but comes with the job. come to find out he wasnt dead! hallelujah! he texted me back saying that he was back in his home city with a bunch of his friends with an awful hangover. (wait…youre not in the city you were working in? when did you leave? are you kidding me?) now, ive done my share of partying, but a 2 day hangover where the radio silence is in full effect with someone youre…..dating? negative. i gave him an earful and his response was of course that i was overreacting. maybe, but highly unlikely. i just wanted to know that you wernt dead stupid. he was being beyond shady in regards to the entire situation. not cool bro.

something made me look on his tinder profile. i noticed a brand new picture. now, im not good at math but i put a few things together. 1)still on tinder with a new picture + 1)no response to your GIRLFRIEND for a few days  = probable cheating and sketchyness.

he tried to break up with me via text saying something like “i just dont think we see things the same way.” yeah, like i dont think its cool to cheat on someone youre dating or just blatantly ignore them. of course i was not going to let this ass do the breaking up…so i called him.

we had about a 15 minute conversation…one that was about 14 minutes too long in my opinion that ended with a

me: do you even want to be with me?

him: i donno, i have to think about that.

waaaaait what? you have to think about if you really want to be with me? um ok.

me: let me help you, we’re done.

click.

i havent heard much from him since, with the exception of him liking all my recent facebook posts and photos. oh also got a video from the field of a lighting storm with a “i think youd really enjoy this”.

can i please find someone who isnt totally self absorbed and doent treat me like garbage? or at least responds to my texts?

-p

Clingy, like saran wrap

after only a few failed attempts at online dating, i had not been totally discouraged. a few days after the catfish encounter a cute blonde started messaging me. we began chatting and he seemed normal enough. (i know, when will i learn?) i had agreed to you guessed it..sushi.

this particular young man was tall..enough, and full of compliments. we had a lot of the same interests and things were going smoothly. we finished dinner and went for a walk around the block.

now, i would consider myself moderately athletic. i was an athlete in high school and college and have recently picked up a yoga routine. however, after stuffing my face at dinner the last thing i want to do is walk, a lot. 

after walking around a block a few times and trying to keep my breathing regular, things started to get a little sticky. (well besides my forehead..gross)

he began talking about how he wanted something serious and wasn’t looking just for a fling. i found that refreshing.

but then, he kept talking about how he just wanted someone to cuddle with, and come home to. someone to always be there for him and so on. i got the point. there was no need to beat a dead horse.

but then, it got worse and a little creepy. he talked about how he could see us hanging out everyday and blah blah blah. he kept trying to hold my hand and i felt like i was in a terrible teen movie. i had done all the slick get out of a pda situation without hurting his feelings. remember i like letting them down easy.

we left things pretty up in the air. i told him i had a nice time and he was sweet. after parting ways i get a message not 4 minutes later wanting to hang out again. a few days later i responded with the fact i had met someone else. he proceeded to ask more questions, none of which were his business, and he wanted to stay friends. he told me he was heart-broken i had already found someone. (a little soon for the heart-break talk i thought?)

regardless, ive never spoken to him since then. a part of me wanted to help him and tell him next time not to be so…i dont know clingy and desperate? i left that one alone. 

maybe this next one wont be so bad.

-p

 

 

 

 

 

Here fishy fishy

one of my guilty pleasures has been the MTV show “catfish”. regardless of it typically having the same ending, you know the kinda geeky guy just looking for love gets messaged by some blonde bombshell who ends up being a large white guy who created “Amanda’s” profile because he was just having fun, or he had been bullied so he wanted to get back at people.

not too long ago i myself was victim of the catfish.

ill preface this by saying, online dating is not for everyone.

seeing as i was on the hunt for.. no wait, that sounds awful, let me start again. seeing as i was just a hopeless romantic looking for her prince i kept my options wide open and gave just about everyone a chance. im not recommending that to anyone. i have a bad habit of seeing the good or the potential for good in people.

after chatting with a young man for a few days we agreed to grab sushi. apparently thats my go-to food for a first date. looking back here are just a few red flags:

1) his profile picture was of 3 guys 2) it looked like an older picture 3) he only had one picture.

im an idiot i know.

regardless, i met up at a local sushi joint with high hopes. after meeting up with a rather large, (i dont mean just fat, he could turn me into a pancake if i said the wrong thing) guy who looked nothing like anyone in the pictures, we sat down for food. ill withhold all the awful details of how he droned on and on about golf. after telling me was a professional, and got paid from teaching private lessons on the course because he was “soooo goood”, i lost interest quickly.

talking to the “me-monster” for 26 minutes had turned me into a zoned out not nice person. i could see right through all the bs that he was trying to play off as game. my answers began to get shorter and my eye might have wandered to a cute bartender…with those tattoos…and that jawline..wait what? anyways. i scarfed down my rolls and begged for the date to end. the waiter came by and asked if we were ready for the check. “me-monster” responded with “we are actually going to go dutch, but because i am a gentleman, ill pay for the more expensive one.” he was joking right? nope.

way to go smartie, the sushi was buy one get one free. im no math wizard, but the checks came out to be pretty much the same. i gave my card to the waiter and sweetly smiled, tho i hoped he could pick up on my “can-you-believe-what-this-jerk-just-did” look.

i quickly got up and bolted for the door. just in time for the biggest rain storm i had seen in a long time. my sweet, sweet date for the night, offered to walk me to my car. when the rain had lightened just a bit i responded with a “sure”, stuck my hands in my pockets, put my head down and began my best attempt at walking fast but not fast enough that it looked like i was running from a psycho.

he went on and on about how i, yes i had such a great time with him and he knew i was dying to see him again. blah blah blah. i turned rude got to my car and quickly responded with, “yeah i dont think so. um have fun driving back home and be safe.”

a text message 2 days later asking for another sushi dinner warranted a response from me saying “its not going to work. sorry”. i know i like to let them down gently. thankfully he got the point and left me alone.

next time i hope to get the spicy tuna, and not a bottom feeder.

-pineapple

when a bad date…gets badder

still fresh returning to the dating scene, i try my best to keep an open mind and expand my horizons. i have recently learned that is not always the best way to go about it.

i also lived out why one should never dip their pen into the company ink. ever.

i thought maybe because this guy was in a completely different department and i never even saw him at work, it wouldn’t really matter. boy, was i wrong. guys are bigger gossip queens than girls. having already accepted the facebook friend request and chatted for the day, i had accepted the date. and my date went a little something like this…

after a knock on my door and a quick, awkward handshake (what?) standing in my breezeway and famished, we decide on sushi. sounds great! he then asks if we can take my car because his is dirty (what?). i thought he was joking. apparently not. what kind of guy knowing hes going out with a girl wouldn’t clean his chariot? it didn’t look dirty, and i’m never afraid to get a little dirt on me. whatever. so i drive to get sushi. i’ve already deducted points in my mind for the handshake and the “dirty” vehicle (i call bs). i pull up for sushi and the place is closed. why? cuz its 10pm. you know, a good decent time to go on a date. we opt for a local burger place instead. (minus a few more points regardless on how yummy the burger was).

while chatting and combing through the bs (inflated male lies and stories and braggings) of getting to know each other, i begin to realize just how strange he was…i wasn’t interested in his sudden weight loss of 35 lbs in 2 months (lucky bitch). regardless, we got on the topic of video games and my nerd side came out, which it had before and he had just so happened to bring super smash brothers. this is the only the game i had been wanting for forever. he challenged me to a game and i accepted. i didn’t realize inviting a guy (calm down, i knew him. kinda) into my apartment was a summons for him to try to put the moves on me (stupid rookie move). don’t worry i’ve learned my lesson. listen, guys, when attempting to woo a girl, i believe one should never pull the “guppy sucker fish maneuver”. that’s right, cornering a lady in her couch and going full guppy will never get you a second date.

although the cold hand of rejection ended that attempt, my facebook has now been blown up with messages declaring how he wants more and wants to take me out again. i didn’t respond for a while, then apologized for leading him on and he should probably move on. i’ve still gotten messages wanting to hang out…and more declarations about how he wants to see me again and be with me. heaven help me why do i attract all the crazies?

next.

-pineapple