Looks like you’re out of people…

So you’re telling me that I have swiped though alllllllll the men within a 25 mile radious of me?! You have GOT to be kidding. I would demand a refund if I had paid for this app. 

Should I expand my search radius? That would probably only be an awful idea. Seeing as IF I did that, I would find the one man who seems worth a minute of my time. We would chat, exchange numbers, and never ever meet up seeing as our schedules would conflict and I’m not a fan of driving. 

It’s awfully addicting and I can’t help myself. Should I even admit this? I blame being bored. Yeah, that’s it. Some of these profiles just make me blink and ask myself are these the only men left out there for me? I mean common, being a frat boy was once an attractive trait..no wait, it never was. Seriously? Grow up.

Where are the grown ups with real jobs, no kids and any sort of attraction to me? Well obviously they aren’t on this app. 

Please don’t tell me I have to put real clothes on and actually brush my hair. Meeting in real life is so…1999. 

No exciting updates or stories as of yet. Crossing my fingers for one to occupy my time soon. 
-p

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Doughnuts are a veggie…right?

Truer words never spoken:

 

this is the 4th or maybe the 10th time ive said i was going to get healthy. ive been suffering from migraines since my junior year in highschool. thats over a decade. ive been to neurologists, taken food diaries and stress tests and i keep getting the same answer…”we dont know.”

well i think thats a load of crap. ive been trying to figure out what my triggers are, im sure my extremely unhealthy diet has something to do with it. now im not saying if i get into the best shape of my life all of my problems and migraines will go away. however, its gotta help.

the other night i was at home around 8pm and decided to pop my yoga dvd into the bluray. i looked down at my legs and thought “good lord, that cannot be right.” now, i was a former collegiate athlete and even coached swimming for 5 years. i’ve never had a bangin body at least in my eyes, but i did always have killer legs. after a few good poses and my mind at peace, i decided im doing it for real this time.

ive been a very unhappy person lately and i believe my awful diet and lack of any kind of exercise has a good chunk to do with it.

im not promising that im going to post any progress pictures because lets face it, im still way to self conscious for all that nonsense. but i have found writing helps. so not only will i be sweating because im nervous on an awful date but ill also be sweating to kick my own ass.

this is going to be hard. i love a good doughnut and a gallon of icecream….

namaste bitches.

-p

bumble…like a bee.

ive given up on tinder for a while, but i have not given up on swiping. theres somthing about it. its just too easy. damn you technology.

theres a new app which puts girls in control and has been described as the sadie hawkins of online dating. im into that.

the first encounter was around the end of June. a travel nurse. i had no clue what that was but of course he seemed normal. when am i ever going to learn, no one is normal. he had just moved to the durham area and was looking for someone to hangout with. ohh pick me. we hung out a handful of times and made out like we were in 7th grade. (even though i didnt get my first kiss til 16?…).then that was it. i was ghosted. he just fell off the face of the earth. i wasnt sad at all.

the second encounter was with a clinical research associate. he looked hot. i was actually surprised he swiped right on me too. i met him for drinks close to one of my jobs to make it easier on me..duh. the conversation was more dull than unsweetened almond milk in unflavored oatmeal. i bailed fairly quickly and didnt respond to any of his followup texts.

the third was a midget from cleveland. ok not a real midget but when i towered over him in my 3inch heels…he felt like a midget. he obvioulsy had a lot to prove. another me-monster who talked about how great he was at his job. (selling suits at his friends business..eh ok.) he shifted the conversation into how many girls hes hooked up with and how good he is at that. hello no thank you.

i kept my hope alive and continued to swipe. a handful of prospects turned out to be duds. nothing went further than texting. *shrug*

the fourth encounter seemed promising. i really need to stop saying that. he was into cars, guns and outdoors. he also had the prettiest dog ever. so im into dogs and the fact it liked me back was a bonus. things got serious with him fast, at least on his end. asked about knowing if you love someone after 2 weeks. im not one to judge by time but i also still need to know what your favorite color and pizza topping is before i bust out the L word. he got the vibe i wasnt into anything serious. he offered to still be friends. i accepted and so far i have a new friend which is awesome. i call that one a win.

the most recent was probably the biggest disappointment as of late. im not saying that sarcastically. everything was great. clicked instantly and had so much in common. we chatted for a day or two. he had recently come to the east coast from the west and had the same kind of background. we met up for a date at a trendy restaurant that had a bar. he brought me flowers which was sweet but posed an issue once we got into the restaurant. he told me to pick a spot so i made my way to a hightop. apparently he didnt want to do that. he gently pushed me to the lounge area with super low hip couches with even lower tables. where the hell am i supposed to put my flowers? the table was large enough for my cocktail and a fly to sit on the edge. i didnt want to put the flowers on the floor, so i dragged another table over. the couch was large enough for me to sit by myself comfortably with a little extra room. how the hell do they expect two people to sit and enjoy each other? granted how do they expect a full grown woman and extremely large man to sit comfortably? impossible. most awkward eating scenario ive ever been in. theres a reason tables you eat at are a certain height. anyway, i tried to make a spark happen, i really did. but between the “wanting to snuggle on the couch” (look dude, theres barely enough room for us on here…the last thing i want to do is be under your arm with no neck mobility to be able to look at you and continue my story) “the hand holding” (i have the sweatiest of palms especially thanks to this ridiculously hot summer) and “the kiss attempt take one” (i saw that coming and instantly grabbed for my water, thought i was in the clear) and “the kiss attempt take two” (yes, i did put my finger on his lips and asked him if he was really going to try to kiss me on our first date. call me an ass. i dont care) hello awkward moment. sheesh. the date eneded with plans to go to lunch the next day. still trying to pour gasoline on a cigarette cherry, i said yes. the next day i had a killer migraine and had to bail. hes since gotten the feeling that “youre just seem to not be as into me when we first started talking…” i feel like ive been in this situation before…oh yea check post “heidi ho neighbor….” regardless he keeps texting me and as we all know i’m terrible at really telling them i just cant.

maybe he’ll get the point so i dont have to do or say anything. till then i’ll just keep avoiding the entire situation like cleaning my apartment.

im mature. i know.

-pineapple

 

Better to be late than pregnant…

Happy New Year!!

way to much has happened and ive been a terrible blogger. here is a quick recap of the past 11 months.

ive gotten over my stupid ex finally. his long ass messages to me about how hes”sorry how things ended” and how hes “sad he doesnt have me in his life anymore” have made me laugh. the merry christmas and happy birthday messages went unanswered.

i started a new career in november. that was fun.

customer service

the hotel industry is a beast all its own. not having a set schedule has been awesome for my personal and dating life. not getting of work until midnight? im not complaining because i am thankful i have a job. but sometimes…

night shift

 

took a birthday vacation to the west coast. i truly believe that is where i belong. went out to san diego to visit a friend. i had such a blast, we did so much in just a week. went 4wheeling the dunes in yuma, went to the beach and hit up the mountains and went snowboarding. still obsessed.

west coast

i have recently found someone who seems to be worth my time…at least for now. thanks tinder. we’ll see how this one crashes and burns.

 

-p

an open letter to my ex

ive seen a few of these online so i figured id write my own.

i dont want to start off by saying thank you. whats the hell am i going to thank you for? thank you for the tears and empty promises? oh please. id rather start off by saying youre an ass and i hope someone treats you the way you treated me. if im going to be completely honest (isnt that the point of these things?) you broke my heart into pieces not once but twice. there i said it. i stopped being a tough girl for once and wrote how i really feel. i hate that i still think of you on the random occasion. i hate that i lost a best friend. i hate that i put myself out there for you multiple times just to be totally taken advantage of. you wernt terrible. there were times you were nice and kinda funny. i just dont get why you didnt do that all the time? i guess its too much work to be a decent person all of the time.

good bye and dont ever call me again,

-the best thing you ever had

they say at the end of every relationship there is a lesson to be learned. whoever “they” is i think could be right.

ive learned i am important enough to drive 28 minutes to see no matter how tired you are. little things are important to me (and im assuming every other red-blooded woman out there) no matter how much you dont think they do. i would enjoy someone who would spend more time cooking and less time smoking gross cigarettes.

enough of my bitching.

cheers to ex’s and being single.

-p

heidi ho neighbor…

i cant remember which terrible free site i was on and met the last winner, not like it matters. i dont know if im too nice or just looking for losers in all the wrong places.

he was sweet. i knew it. it went all downhill from there. he was also clean shaven. in theory thats not a bad thing. i also dont have a specific type. maybe thats my problem. i still gave him a chance. i also found out he lived within a stones throw away from me. no joke. i thought it might be super convenient. a possible neighbor romance? ok.

of course i was wrong.

after a few days of texting, i agreed to meet up at the local craft brew bar? conveniently right down the road. i only agreed on that because i did not want to drive downtown. the conversation wasnt terrible. he was actually pretty smart. then i started to glaze over worse than a doughnut. i dont even remember what he was saying. he wasnt funny. all girls like a guy who can make her laugh.

after one beer, 2 book clubs and an awkward kiss at the end of the night he sailed right into the friend zone. we said our awkward goodbyes and that was that. or so i thought.

im a terrible closer. or maybe i just dont like hurting their feelings. the next day he texted me and my responses were short and sweet. then i get this…

“i sense a steep decline in your interest since yesterday. were you weirded out that i kissed you? if im misinterpreting that then great, but i dont want to prolong this if youre not interested.”

whoops.

-p

how i know youre a douche without having to click anything

i downloaded another “dating” site. well its an app, yeah the swipe left swipe right one. theres almost no detail to the profiles and ive been told its just for hookups. obviously, if i think your picture is attractive i swipe right, and hope you did the same to me, we can chat, you ask for my number then ask me out for a beer and try to get some.

im not into that so this is more of an entertaining aspect of being single. there are a lot of characters on there let me tell you. and there are some ways to guarantee that i will always swipe left or “nope” such as but not limited to…

if you have more than one picture of you doing some sort of mud run. i get it your athletic and like to get dirty..but seriously?

if you only have shirtless and headless pictures. you have kinda a six pack good for you. can i see your face tho? thats a little more important.

if you only have group pictures. i like that you have friends but WHICH ONE ARE YOU?!

if all of your pictures are of you drinking. i enjoy a good beer too, but i also have a life…

if there are pictures of you and a girl. really? shes your sister..sure sure but lets not put those on a dating site.

schmucks. all of em.

-p

busy…but not really

ive been pretty busy lately, going on dates? no but reading and dodging complete toolbags. talk about weeding out the bad ones.

i think ive gotten the hang of this online dating thing. just kidding ive only found out that 95% of the douches out there cant read or understand the word no. take for instance one of my fewest suitors, jabba the hut. red flags all over this mug not to mention the fact he openly is “Mainly looking for a BDSM relationship. If you would like to be treated like the Goddess you are would love to chat.” REALLY?! so i guess the part of my profile where i specifically say “dont message me if youre just trying to get some” doesnt apply to him? gross. lay off the creampuffs and stop watching 50 shades.

then there was this guy. when you look like a mix between the main character of renegade (only lacking the delicious six pack and chest) and a washed up wrestler from the 80’s, there is a very specific lady looking for you. i however am not her. also dont just send me a message of a winky face.

should we talk about stretch? yeah this guy…6foot 12foot 9. i can dig it. ive never been out with anyone who i could completely see up there nose. and maybe there is a reason why…

look. im not against giving my number out to anyone who asks for it. maybe thats not a good thing? but it really does get annoying having to keep opening up this stupid website. stretch seemed harmless enough. until the conversation went from “we should meet up” to “you need to come over”. again…excuse me? look here punk, i dont know you from adam, and seeing as im not 100% caught up on my Ninjutsu (yeah its a real thing…wikki it) im not an idiot and going to go to your house. just stop. be smart.

then “mike” started blowing up my phone. and by blowing up i mean it goes a little something like this…

“hey” 1:16am

“hey!!!” next day 12:32am

shirtless picture

“come over” 11:38pm

another shirtless picture

my response – “do you even own a shirt?”

sometimes my emasculating does the trick. im an ass i know.  hopefully it will work on these winners.

time to get my hair done.

-p

one two three…reset.

“never love anybody who treats you like youre ordinary.” oh oscar wilde was a smart man, if only i would have listened. the past 9 months ive been in a roller coaster relationshit, i mean relationshit. im sorry…relationship. not the fun kind where you get the butterflies and a rush to the head and a stupid smile across your face. dont get me wrong, it started out like that. kinda.

having been friends for years, the natural progression was to “do the damn thing”, or so i thought. putting a title on it and always being eachothers plus one. ill start off by saying i pushed someone into something they didnt really want and i realize that now. there were highs and lows. of course a high was when he told me he loved me and of course a low getting yelled at for not getting him a valentines day present. (really? oh yeah that happened)

after the weirdest break up ive ever experienced, i got back on my favorite dating website and decided to make my next mistake. i saw the breakup coming, i was so mad he beat me to the punch. it was over the phone (lame i know, at least it wasnt a sticky note, tho at this point that coulda been better) and all i really remember hearing was “i dont f*cking care anymore. why save something thats not worth it. i dont care”. that right there makes a girl feel great. so that night i logged on and began the awkward online thing again.

i snagged one and even went out on a date. thankfully hes cuter in person and has a deep voice. our schedules are really outta whack so i dont know how potential this one is.

side note my first ever boyfriend from when i was 16 texted me today. he turned me to a good website with mixtapes. i give it a thumbs up. http://fridaymixtape.com/

i wish i was dedicated enough to write every week. hopefully my dating life will get more interesting. in the mean time im gonna go do some yoga before the walking dead comes on.

happy sunday to me.

-p

New year…new me…or a new address

Within the last three years I’ve moved three times. Each time to an equally cute apartment, and each cute apartment ends or begins a relationship.
Having moved into my swanky new place just 3 days ago, I’m still getting accustomed to new sounds and trying
my best to feng shui my bedroom.
I haven’t met or even seen too many people around my building.
I do know however, the large man who lives above me does NOT walk quietly and carry a big stick. No no, instead he stomps around and either plays Armageddon on surround sound or call of duty with the speakers facing my ceiling.
He also dropped what sounded like a bowling ball earlier tonight. This could get interesting. I’m debating on asking for a cup of sugar.

-p