Better to be late than pregnant…

Happy New Year!!

way to much has happened and ive been a terrible blogger. here is a quick recap of the past 11 months.

ive gotten over my stupid ex finally. his long ass messages to me about how hes”sorry how things ended” and how hes “sad he doesnt have me in his life anymore” have made me laugh. the merry christmas and happy birthday messages went unanswered.

i started a new career in november. that was fun.

customer service

the hotel industry is a beast all its own. not having a set schedule has been awesome for my personal and dating life. not getting of work until midnight? im not complaining because i am thankful i have a job. but sometimes…

night shift

 

took a birthday vacation to the west coast. i truly believe that is where i belong. went out to san diego to visit a friend. i had such a blast, we did so much in just a week. went 4wheeling the dunes in yuma, went to the beach and hit up the mountains and went snowboarding. still obsessed.

west coast

i have recently found someone who seems to be worth my time…at least for now. thanks tinder. we’ll see how this one crashes and burns.

 

-p

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an open letter to my ex

ive seen a few of these online so i figured id write my own.

i dont want to start off by saying thank you. whats the hell am i going to thank you for? thank you for the tears and empty promises? oh please. id rather start off by saying youre an ass and i hope someone treats you the way you treated me. if im going to be completely honest (isnt that the point of these things?) you broke my heart into pieces not once but twice. there i said it. i stopped being a tough girl for once and wrote how i really feel. i hate that i still think of you on the random occasion. i hate that i lost a best friend. i hate that i put myself out there for you multiple times just to be totally taken advantage of. you wernt terrible. there were times you were nice and kinda funny. i just dont get why you didnt do that all the time? i guess its too much work to be a decent person all of the time.

good bye and dont ever call me again,

-the best thing you ever had

they say at the end of every relationship there is a lesson to be learned. whoever “they” is i think could be right.

ive learned i am important enough to drive 28 minutes to see no matter how tired you are. little things are important to me (and im assuming every other red-blooded woman out there) no matter how much you dont think they do. i would enjoy someone who would spend more time cooking and less time smoking gross cigarettes.

enough of my bitching.

cheers to ex’s and being single.

-p

When it rains it pours

so i took a short get away the other weekend to visit some family only to come home to a soggy apartment. thats right, due to copious amounts of rain while i was away, my sliding glass door couldnt withhold the small lake that was building up outside. nothing was ruined thank goodness, tho a lot of my stuff was starting to smell like mildew. i needed a brain break from all the apartment complex bullshit and trying to find somewhere to lay my little head.

so i hoped back on tinder, what did you expect? got matched with a surprisingly attractive guy. win. right? i was surprised he was half as attractive as he was in his pictures. i swear, guys know more about angles and filters more than most girls. it started like they all do, we texted and met up a few days later at a restaurant not to far away. of course he wanted to meet at a place right next to the local ball park, and of course there was a game. parking was impossible. thats always a great start to a date.
i ended up having beer for dinner. the conversation wasnt bad, tho neither was the last one…. im not an alcoholic by any means, well there was that one relationship i ended up trying to drink away…but anyway, after only 2 beers, poor kid was getting pretty drunk. thats annoying when youre in the late 20’s age bracket. the conversation wasnt going anywere and he all of a sudden started getting really offended at random stuff unlike the beginning of the night. he wasnt being funny any more. why cant they be normal?

towards the end of the date i got a “lets do dinner sometime”. i didnt hear from him. hes joking right? i lost his number.

great news tho, im fully moved into my other apartment and the hell of the complex will be behind me tomorrow morning.

mazel.

-p

heidi ho neighbor…

i cant remember which terrible free site i was on and met the last winner, not like it matters. i dont know if im too nice or just looking for losers in all the wrong places.

he was sweet. i knew it. it went all downhill from there. he was also clean shaven. in theory thats not a bad thing. i also dont have a specific type. maybe thats my problem. i still gave him a chance. i also found out he lived within a stones throw away from me. no joke. i thought it might be super convenient. a possible neighbor romance? ok.

of course i was wrong.

after a few days of texting, i agreed to meet up at the local craft brew bar? conveniently right down the road. i only agreed on that because i did not want to drive downtown. the conversation wasnt terrible. he was actually pretty smart. then i started to glaze over worse than a doughnut. i dont even remember what he was saying. he wasnt funny. all girls like a guy who can make her laugh.

after one beer, 2 book clubs and an awkward kiss at the end of the night he sailed right into the friend zone. we said our awkward goodbyes and that was that. or so i thought.

im a terrible closer. or maybe i just dont like hurting their feelings. the next day he texted me and my responses were short and sweet. then i get this…

“i sense a steep decline in your interest since yesterday. were you weirded out that i kissed you? if im misinterpreting that then great, but i dont want to prolong this if youre not interested.”

whoops.

-p

how i know youre a douche without having to click anything

i downloaded another “dating” site. well its an app, yeah the swipe left swipe right one. theres almost no detail to the profiles and ive been told its just for hookups. obviously, if i think your picture is attractive i swipe right, and hope you did the same to me, we can chat, you ask for my number then ask me out for a beer and try to get some.

im not into that so this is more of an entertaining aspect of being single. there are a lot of characters on there let me tell you. and there are some ways to guarantee that i will always swipe left or “nope” such as but not limited to…

if you have more than one picture of you doing some sort of mud run. i get it your athletic and like to get dirty..but seriously?

if you only have shirtless and headless pictures. you have kinda a six pack good for you. can i see your face tho? thats a little more important.

if you only have group pictures. i like that you have friends but WHICH ONE ARE YOU?!

if all of your pictures are of you drinking. i enjoy a good beer too, but i also have a life…

if there are pictures of you and a girl. really? shes your sister..sure sure but lets not put those on a dating site.

schmucks. all of em.

-p

busy…but not really

ive been pretty busy lately, going on dates? no but reading and dodging complete toolbags. talk about weeding out the bad ones.

i think ive gotten the hang of this online dating thing. just kidding ive only found out that 95% of the douches out there cant read or understand the word no. take for instance one of my fewest suitors, jabba the hut. red flags all over this mug not to mention the fact he openly is “Mainly looking for a BDSM relationship. If you would like to be treated like the Goddess you are would love to chat.” REALLY?! so i guess the part of my profile where i specifically say “dont message me if youre just trying to get some” doesnt apply to him? gross. lay off the creampuffs and stop watching 50 shades.

then there was this guy. when you look like a mix between the main character of renegade (only lacking the delicious six pack and chest) and a washed up wrestler from the 80’s, there is a very specific lady looking for you. i however am not her. also dont just send me a message of a winky face.

should we talk about stretch? yeah this guy…6foot 12foot 9. i can dig it. ive never been out with anyone who i could completely see up there nose. and maybe there is a reason why…

look. im not against giving my number out to anyone who asks for it. maybe thats not a good thing? but it really does get annoying having to keep opening up this stupid website. stretch seemed harmless enough. until the conversation went from “we should meet up” to “you need to come over”. again…excuse me? look here punk, i dont know you from adam, and seeing as im not 100% caught up on my Ninjutsu (yeah its a real thing…wikki it) im not an idiot and going to go to your house. just stop. be smart.

then “mike” started blowing up my phone. and by blowing up i mean it goes a little something like this…

“hey” 1:16am

“hey!!!” next day 12:32am

shirtless picture

“come over” 11:38pm

another shirtless picture

my response – “do you even own a shirt?”

sometimes my emasculating does the trick. im an ass i know.  hopefully it will work on these winners.

time to get my hair done.

-p

one two three…reset.

“never love anybody who treats you like youre ordinary.” oh oscar wilde was a smart man, if only i would have listened. the past 9 months ive been in a roller coaster relationshit, i mean relationshit. im sorry…relationship. not the fun kind where you get the butterflies and a rush to the head and a stupid smile across your face. dont get me wrong, it started out like that. kinda.

having been friends for years, the natural progression was to “do the damn thing”, or so i thought. putting a title on it and always being eachothers plus one. ill start off by saying i pushed someone into something they didnt really want and i realize that now. there were highs and lows. of course a high was when he told me he loved me and of course a low getting yelled at for not getting him a valentines day present. (really? oh yeah that happened)

after the weirdest break up ive ever experienced, i got back on my favorite dating website and decided to make my next mistake. i saw the breakup coming, i was so mad he beat me to the punch. it was over the phone (lame i know, at least it wasnt a sticky note, tho at this point that coulda been better) and all i really remember hearing was “i dont f*cking care anymore. why save something thats not worth it. i dont care”. that right there makes a girl feel great. so that night i logged on and began the awkward online thing again.

i snagged one and even went out on a date. thankfully hes cuter in person and has a deep voice. our schedules are really outta whack so i dont know how potential this one is.

side note my first ever boyfriend from when i was 16 texted me today. he turned me to a good website with mixtapes. i give it a thumbs up. http://fridaymixtape.com/

i wish i was dedicated enough to write every week. hopefully my dating life will get more interesting. in the mean time im gonna go do some yoga before the walking dead comes on.

happy sunday to me.

-p

New year…new me…or a new address

Within the last three years I’ve moved three times. Each time to an equally cute apartment, and each cute apartment ends or begins a relationship.
Having moved into my swanky new place just 3 days ago, I’m still getting accustomed to new sounds and trying
my best to feng shui my bedroom.
I haven’t met or even seen too many people around my building.
I do know however, the large man who lives above me does NOT walk quietly and carry a big stick. No no, instead he stomps around and either plays Armageddon on surround sound or call of duty with the speakers facing my ceiling.
He also dropped what sounded like a bowling ball earlier tonight. This could get interesting. I’m debating on asking for a cup of sugar.

-p

I’m a material girl..

Well I’m not a huge Madonna fan, but I felt the phase was fitting. I’ve been thinking a lot about all my past relationships and how utterly lame they were. Obviously, due to lack longevity (I blame that mostly on age) the things I have gotten are rather lame.
Just to give you some of the hi-lights, here I go…

First boyfriend at age 16 sent me flowers on my birthday. I blame him and all those sappy movies for that expectation. He also gave me a duct tape flower and a key to his heart. One of the most cheezy, yet innocent and sweet? I was just young and dumb.

First boyfriend in college wrote me a song on the guitar. it was strangely close to the one I heard him sing to his girlfriend a few weeks before… Anyway, he also got me sweet red roses for valentines day. After I told him of course I hate red roses. Then again, what guy really listens? Oh then for my birthday I got 2 chocolate candy bars and the travel game of 20 questions. I shit you not. Happy birthday to me.

The drug dealer or was he just a doer? (No judgement please) gave me the most beautiful 10$ golden necklace in the shape of a heart with my birthstone. I’ve seen better jewelry at Walmart and this was just 2 weeks into dating. I also had told him I didn’t wear gold. Go figure another listener.
G.i.joe wasn’t terrible. Granted most of the stuff I borrowed with no intension of returning. Mostly shirts cuz the military has some badass tshirts. The bag with my name on it wasn’t bad either.

The last one was pretty good. He left me coffee on my car before work, and flowers next to my bed for me to come home to. He also got me a necklace from Tiffany and co. Hello upgrade. I still wear it to this day because it’s actually really nice.

I’m hoping it’s mostly an age thing? But guys really need to understand sometimes it’s nice to get something that sparkles or some flowers. A candy bar or jewelry from a gum machine doesn’t cut it anymore.

I’m a superficial douche. Oh well.

-p

Pick me up…no no put me back down…

i thought id take the time to share some of winners who have tried to contact me on my online profile. i get it, sometimes online dating can be hard and you need to say something to stand out from the rest of the schmucks. unfortunately these need to try again. do these pick-up lines really work on women? i wasnt feelin it so i didnt respond to these guys. was that rude? whoops. here we go…

8:46pm: “hey gorgeous, saw your profile and wanted to ask if we could be friends and know each other more. i moved recently to the area from Boston for new job in biotech company. was thinking if we could meet sometime for dinner, drinks or movie?      thanks.

8 minutes later… “hope you could reply”

-no thanks boston. ill pass. besides clocking on your profile and seeing id be 5 inches taller than you and look like your bodyguard, im gonna take a wild guess we dont have much in common.

3:38pm: “i like how you used the word lady. i cant get myself to message a “gal” “gurrrl” or “grrl” and other such variants of women. whats up?

the next day: “it isn’t lady like not to reply my lady. :p”

-when you have something in your profile about being a grammar nazi, ill pass.

6:40am: “hello miss, how are you? i wonder is your heart sweeter than your beauty?”

-nope. its not. i dont even have a heart. click.

10:14am: “would you merry me? dont get freaked out im just joking lol but those are the only words i can say to someone has the most romantic face with a smile on it i have seen in a long time you so beautiful and i might even fall in love with you if i keep looking at your face 🙂 please tell me what kind of miracle do i need to have dinner with you sometimes and be able to know you more in person??”

-who doesnt like a good italian man? but slow down there mister. and can you learn where to put a period, comma, semicolon…anything?

10:39am “you are really unbelievably drop dead fred gorgeous. my god. *faints*

-good movie, but youre a little dramatic mr.

10:42am “wow..i honestly cant find a single thing wrong with you. youre gorgeous, you sound very unique and interesting which paired with a sexy body almost never happens. and youre close! ahh!! =D please tell me noone has stolen you yet?!? not sure exactly what im after on this site, all i know is i just spent alot of time checking you out and i dont want to leave=))”

-creepy. i feel like the possibility of being turned into a skin-suit was high with that one.

is it me? it has to be. time for coffee, or maybe a bottle of wine….

-pineapple