I just don’t see it…

how do I even start this post? Do I go straight to the end and say it didn’t work out? Cuz that’s been my story for the last decade. Haha.

Online dating is weird. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shallowness of “hey your hot…imma swipe right” kinda thing. This last one had promise or so I fooled myself into thinking it did.

Started out like any other, we chatted, we met, we kissed. Woo hoo. He lived a good 45 minutes away but worked fairly close to where I live. Things slowly progressed, and I was having fun. Actually ended up meeting the close friends AND mom and dad. How that happened I still don’t know.

We had enough in common to make it fun and enough of our own things to make it not annoying. There was a good balance, he even got me to watch Game of Thrones. I know I’m a few years behind everyone when it comes to that, but holy crap that’s an awesome show.

we made plans on a Thursday night to go to dinner and a baseball game Friday. I was taking the day off because I needed a day away from the hell I work in and to get a massage. He would pick me up from my place and we would have the most fun.

Until I wake up to a text Friday morning…

”I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

youve gotta be shitting me. I just looked at my phone and thought it was a joke. Did we not make plans less than 12 hours before? Did you really TEXT me to end things with me? I was able to ask him WTF bro?

he gives me the classic cop out of “I just don’t see anything long term between us and that’s what I want” then continued to contradict himself until I had enough.

oh ok…yeah no that totally makes sense. Tell your mother I said hello and your father that I think you’re an ass.

it’s looking like being that cool single aunt is gonna be my gig…I’m starting to be ok with that.

 

-p

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Fly me to the moon… 

One of my best friends dates a pilot. That’s a pretty exciting life if you ask me. Seeing as I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant since I was in high school, the people that have a job around airplanes is pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Of course she’s usually looking out for me and seeing as she wants me to move to her city, she’s been trying to find a male counterpart for me to help with the enticement of moving closer to her. 

Her boyfriend has friends naturally. Tho, from what I’ve experienced, the airline industry is a whole different beast. It’s like everyone knows everyone even if they work for different airlines. Weird. Of course I was introduced to a fellow lover of the sky, or an FO as some call them. 

He was cute, naturally and my senior by only 4 years or so, you know the perfect age difference. The first time we met I had a killer migraine and was almost in tears in the back of my friends jeep. We get to the pilots apartment (luxury is just one word I would use to describe it) and I walk straight to his Restoration Hardwear leather couch and collapse. I ask for some water and any kind of pain medicine this kid has. Hi nice to meet you. 

I end up rallying (still don’t know to this day how I managed that one) and we make our way to a brewery a few blocks away. Long story short, we end up hitting it off. A lot. 

This is awesome. He’s funny, good looking, has a stable, bombass job and seems into me. Win. 

He flys to me one weekend and I drive to him a few weekends later. This continues for a while. The bottles of wine that he brings me are delicious and the hand holding in the back of an Uber makes me feel like I’m in high school again. We text each other every since we met. 

Seeing as his schedule is all over the place and mine is a solid 9-5 it seemed to work, at least well enough. No we weren’t up each other’s asses thank God, I’m not into that and from what I gathered, neither was he. 

Got a text from him last night asking if he could call me today. That was weird cuz he’s not a fan of talking on the phone, then again who really is these days? He called me while I was out at a bar with some coworkers and starts off with “so I have to tell you something.” 

Oh cool, he’s actually married and wants to work it out with his wife? Nah, thank goodness it wasn’t that. 

He just has just been seeing someone for 2 weeks now and “didn’t want to disappoint 2 women so he felt the need to tell me.” Gee thanks. I sweep it under the rug and agree to “just be friends”. Since when in the history of ever has that worked? 

Really? I mean really? That’s nice bro. Could we not even have a conversation on where this was going? 

It’s funny because this past weekend I almost texted him just letting him know that I’ve started to really catch feelings for him. Glad I didn’t. I would have felt like a huge L 7 weenie. 

 Enjoy your new person loser. I hope she has a smelly crotch. 

-p

Damn Daniel….back at it again with an ex…

I would love to say my luck with bad dates has changed but then I would be lying. Clearly nothing to exciting has happened since my last post. Let me think back….

Dated an Army man during the turn of the year…for a second time. Remember the one who turned out to be a huge dickwad and giant liar? Yeah that one. After refusing to reply to his random text videos of thunderstorms (my favorite) and a funny gif here or there he finally wore me down with a snap of Tiffanys saying “reminds me of you”. 

Now I’m not obsessed with the store, nor do I have the bank account to be. I am however deeply in love with the color. Well that peeked my interest and responded with a “why?”

I was cold and fairly snarky the through the first handful of snaps, keeping him at a distance which he more than anything deserved. Well he wore me down with the persistence and sweetness. 

Damn it!! 

I ageed to a lunch in which he picked me up from work. Was my hair and makeup on point and was my skirt just tight enough to be dangerous? You’re damn right. Did he accidentally bump a car at a stop light after he dropped me off because he was thinking about my booty? YUP. 

Lunch was done and he had given me a gift, in a little blue bag. I win. 

It was just a sliver ring that I had been wanting for my middle finger. It was his “im sorry” gift. Yeah ok. 

Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way and I thought he had grown up. Nah, course not. The laundry list of issues became even more apparent when I ripped off the rose colored glasses. I cut slingload and made him cry. At that point I was way to emotionally disconnected from the entire thing. 

Back on the Bumble train and hoping any and all of my friends know anyone worth 5 minutes of my time? Anyone….hello?

Let’s see how tired my thumb gets this time.

-p

Here fishy fishy

one of my guilty pleasures has been the MTV show “catfish”. regardless of it typically having the same ending, you know the kinda geeky guy just looking for love gets messaged by some blonde bombshell who ends up being a large white guy who created “Amanda’s” profile because he was just having fun, or he had been bullied so he wanted to get back at people.

not too long ago i myself was victim of the catfish.

ill preface this by saying, online dating is not for everyone.

seeing as i was on the hunt for.. no wait, that sounds awful, let me start again. seeing as i was just a hopeless romantic looking for her prince i kept my options wide open and gave just about everyone a chance. im not recommending that to anyone. i have a bad habit of seeing the good or the potential for good in people.

after chatting with a young man for a few days we agreed to grab sushi. apparently thats my go-to food for a first date. looking back here are just a few red flags:

1) his profile picture was of 3 guys 2) it looked like an older picture 3) he only had one picture.

im an idiot i know.

regardless, i met up at a local sushi joint with high hopes. after meeting up with a rather large, (i dont mean just fat, he could turn me into a pancake if i said the wrong thing) guy who looked nothing like anyone in the pictures, we sat down for food. ill withhold all the awful details of how he droned on and on about golf. after telling me was a professional, and got paid from teaching private lessons on the course because he was “soooo goood”, i lost interest quickly.

talking to the “me-monster” for 26 minutes had turned me into a zoned out not nice person. i could see right through all the bs that he was trying to play off as game. my answers began to get shorter and my eye might have wandered to a cute bartender…with those tattoos…and that jawline..wait what? anyways. i scarfed down my rolls and begged for the date to end. the waiter came by and asked if we were ready for the check. “me-monster” responded with “we are actually going to go dutch, but because i am a gentleman, ill pay for the more expensive one.” he was joking right? nope.

way to go smartie, the sushi was buy one get one free. im no math wizard, but the checks came out to be pretty much the same. i gave my card to the waiter and sweetly smiled, tho i hoped he could pick up on my “can-you-believe-what-this-jerk-just-did” look.

i quickly got up and bolted for the door. just in time for the biggest rain storm i had seen in a long time. my sweet, sweet date for the night, offered to walk me to my car. when the rain had lightened just a bit i responded with a “sure”, stuck my hands in my pockets, put my head down and began my best attempt at walking fast but not fast enough that it looked like i was running from a psycho.

he went on and on about how i, yes i had such a great time with him and he knew i was dying to see him again. blah blah blah. i turned rude got to my car and quickly responded with, “yeah i dont think so. um have fun driving back home and be safe.”

a text message 2 days later asking for another sushi dinner warranted a response from me saying “its not going to work. sorry”. i know i like to let them down gently. thankfully he got the point and left me alone.

next time i hope to get the spicy tuna, and not a bottom feeder.

-pineapple

i like to play nintendo…but i’m bad at games

i’ve never understood the “games” we play with one another and the apparent rules that go along with them?! there are many, but i only have time for a few…

the “contacting each other” game:

do you or don’t you? do you text? do you wait for him to text? how long do you wait?

what is all this crap?! i really don’t think it should be this difficult in 2013 for a guy or a girl to let the other person know they had a good time and want to hang out again.

for example: you go out on a date and have a wonderful time. he’s giving you all the right signals: you touched his arm…he made you laugh…blah blah blah. maybe the night even ended with a kiss. good for you. now what?

as the female..we’ve been told wait for the male to pursue you. but we all know *most* guys are awful at communication. you don’t want to seem clingy and needy and text right away…hell no, do not call…and do people really email each other or does that happen only in the movies? so you wait for him to contact you.

3 nail-biting and otherwise stressful days later, a text from mr. wonderful arrives. great. now you have to keep your cool and play along in this cat and mouse game. you want to show interest but can’t be too available. *you don’t want to seem like you don’t have a life* hopefully, one or the other wins at the game and a second date is to be had. congratulations. if no second date, you begin again.

the kissing game:

how do you know if you’re going to get one? do you really want one? how do you avoid one if you don’t?

sure you can do what all the magazines say…draw attention to your lips…lean in and all that stuff ,but does it really work? i’m going based on my personal experience and say, “nope”. i’m a lover of a bold lip: red, pink, orange. lipstick however, does not scream “kiss me, you big lug.” so i’ve nixed the color on any first date, unless i already know it’s going to be a total crap-shoot and i’m just hungry.

more times than not, if he’s been thinking about it, he’s gonna do it. i’m not saying it’s going to be great, though. this brings me to the “trying to get out of a kiss you know that’s coming for you”. example: he’s locked his sights on your lips like a b57 ready to destroy the target. he’s not paying attention to your rambling on about how awesome dinner was, and how you should do it again…later…much later (like, after i throw my phone in the pool kind of later because you’re creepy and a stage 5 clinger and i’m scared now that you have my phone number and can contact me but thank god for caller id so i don’t have to ruin my phone later). he’s laser focused…i have to abort his mission asap. i lean in for the quick hug, throwing the idea of any kind of smooch out the window.

this is all ridiculous. where is the rule book?

game. set. match.

next.

-p

Confidence is attractive…being an ass is not

i would say it’s just another boring sunday with nothing to blog about but i’d be lying.

let’s start with thursday…

i’ve always wondered if it’s better to go out on a date with a friend of a friend, or some random stranger. well, i’ve now done both. a good friend of mine gave me a name of a fella who needs to be put in his place. my mean girl came out and instantly jumped on the chance.

taking it back to 12th grade, i requested to be his friend on facebook. i “creeped” after he immediately accepted my request. my first impression was not a good one with mr. a. his “tryin to hard to be buff” pics with young ladies commenting on how “hot” he is made me almost lose my lunch…and i felt the uprising urge put him in his place.

now don’t judge me here, but i did something terrible. i hooked him. it was easier than i had expected which made it almost no fun. within less than 2 hours of not knowing this guy from adam, he wanted to take me out the following monday.

*press easy button here*

i thought to myself “piece of cake. i’ll go out with this kid, (who is younger and shorter than me. they all are.) and put him in his place.” this was ultimately for his own good. i believe people like that need to get knocked down a peg or two every once in a while.

saturday rolls around and i get another facebook message from mr.a asking where i live so he can figure out where we can go monday. without giving any exact locations, he lives in the country, and me…i’m in the city. my mother always told me i’m worth a guy driving to get me. i take that into account most of the time, unless i might need a quick get away and can sneek out without an awkward car ride back to my place. anyway, mr. a has the audacity to tell me, “that’s too far can we meet somewhere in the middle?” now even if i was interested…that just made you loose mega points. sheesh.

was it creepy and un-lady like, or just 2013ish that i facebooked this kid regardless of my intentions? i still have no clue where we are going to go…if anywhere at this point. i don’t know if i can call this a success yet or not?…can i call, next?

-pineapple

so it begins

after recently ending a year long relationship, i find myself starting this blog to express my thoughts on my new dating ventures and life as a single young woman.

my first weekend single wasn’t as exciting as i had hoped it would be. i found myself in bed at 9pm on a friday night…not suffering from any exotic or exciting sickness…just boredom.

saturday morning i woke up, turned the tv on and indulged myself in some sappy girl time with back to back jlo romantic flicks (haven’t had any of that in a while). the only thing missing was a pint of ben and jerry’s and a half eaten bag of wal-mart peanut butter cups (have you tried those? amazing.).  after watching “the wedding planner” and “monster in law”, i took my sister’s dog for a walk (little mutt was staying with me for the weekend). much to my surprise, i didn’t run into a good looking doctor. weird…jenny from the block did multiple times wearing a dress over jeans in her stupid movie. i figured that’s gotta be how to do it.  i also went to my favorite overpriced coffee spot in hopes to catch some lucky, handsome dr’s eye…no, not you, creepy guy sitting in the corner.

what a bust.

thanks, jlo. you gave me unrealistic expectations that i, just a simple girl (much like yourself) can find love just around the corner.

liar.

saturday eventing i found myself at a hockey game. i was really pumped about it. a “friend” from a while ago invited me and seeing as i had not been to game, i was all in. this guy (we’ll call him mr. x from here on out just for his protection and privacy…actually any guy i go on a date will be referred to as mr. x just to keep it anonymous. lets hope that doesn’t get confusing).

anyway, back to this guy. he’s sweet. i had not seen him due to my being in a relationship and he was, too, for a long time.

so, we’re on our way to the game and i’m thinking to myself “you never know…he’s nice…something could happen.” yadda yadda yadda. now before i go on, i’ve been told that i’m high maintenance. i really don’t believe that. however, i do like nicer things and i like things to be kept nice. having said this, i get into mr. x’s car and i’m smacked in the face with the stench of wet dog and muddy paws. now don’t get me wrong…i’m a huge dog lover, but i also like a clean car. i felt a little uncomfortable trying to avoid the ash from the black and mild he was smoking and the dog hair. i tried to make the best of it and breathe out the window without being obvious. we made small talk and went into the game.

three large beers into the first period and i knew i was back to my old ways…drinking my relationships away. the game was fun, although the home team lost. maybe i’ll become a hockey players wife. i don’t mind the cold and i’m ok if they have a fake tooth or broken nose. sadly, i looked up the roster and realize a lot of the guys are younger than me. eh, maybe some other sport?

i came home and mr. x walked me to my door. enter that awkward “i think he’s gonna try to make a move” thing going on, so i shut that down pretty quick, gave him a quick hug, and said goodnight.

i guess my first go round and weekend back in the single lifestyle was a bust. oh well…next?

-pineapple