I just don’t see it…

how do I even start this post? Do I go straight to the end and say it didn’t work out? Cuz that’s been my story for the last decade. Haha.

Online dating is weird. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shallowness of “hey your hot…imma swipe right” kinda thing. This last one had promise or so I fooled myself into thinking it did.

Started out like any other, we chatted, we met, we kissed. Woo hoo. He lived a good 45 minutes away but worked fairly close to where I live. Things slowly progressed, and I was having fun. Actually ended up meeting the close friends AND mom and dad. How that happened I still don’t know.

We had enough in common to make it fun and enough of our own things to make it not annoying. There was a good balance, he even got me to watch Game of Thrones. I know I’m a few years behind everyone when it comes to that, but holy crap that’s an awesome show.

we made plans on a Thursday night to go to dinner and a baseball game Friday. I was taking the day off because I needed a day away from the hell I work in and to get a massage. He would pick me up from my place and we would have the most fun.

Until I wake up to a text Friday morning…

”I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

youve gotta be shitting me. I just looked at my phone and thought it was a joke. Did we not make plans less than 12 hours before? Did you really TEXT me to end things with me? I was able to ask him WTF bro?

he gives me the classic cop out of “I just don’t see anything long term between us and that’s what I want” then continued to contradict himself until I had enough.

oh ok…yeah no that totally makes sense. Tell your mother I said hello and your father that I think you’re an ass.

it’s looking like being that cool single aunt is gonna be my gig…I’m starting to be ok with that.

 

-p

Advertisements

Fly me to the moon… 

One of my best friends dates a pilot. That’s a pretty exciting life if you ask me. Seeing as I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant since I was in high school, the people that have a job around airplanes is pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Of course she’s usually looking out for me and seeing as she wants me to move to her city, she’s been trying to find a male counterpart for me to help with the enticement of moving closer to her. 

Her boyfriend has friends naturally. Tho, from what I’ve experienced, the airline industry is a whole different beast. It’s like everyone knows everyone even if they work for different airlines. Weird. Of course I was introduced to a fellow lover of the sky, or an FO as some call them. 

He was cute, naturally and my senior by only 4 years or so, you know the perfect age difference. The first time we met I had a killer migraine and was almost in tears in the back of my friends jeep. We get to the pilots apartment (luxury is just one word I would use to describe it) and I walk straight to his Restoration Hardwear leather couch and collapse. I ask for some water and any kind of pain medicine this kid has. Hi nice to meet you. 

I end up rallying (still don’t know to this day how I managed that one) and we make our way to a brewery a few blocks away. Long story short, we end up hitting it off. A lot. 

This is awesome. He’s funny, good looking, has a stable, bombass job and seems into me. Win. 

He flys to me one weekend and I drive to him a few weekends later. This continues for a while. The bottles of wine that he brings me are delicious and the hand holding in the back of an Uber makes me feel like I’m in high school again. We text each other every since we met. 

Seeing as his schedule is all over the place and mine is a solid 9-5 it seemed to work, at least well enough. No we weren’t up each other’s asses thank God, I’m not into that and from what I gathered, neither was he. 

Got a text from him last night asking if he could call me today. That was weird cuz he’s not a fan of talking on the phone, then again who really is these days? He called me while I was out at a bar with some coworkers and starts off with “so I have to tell you something.” 

Oh cool, he’s actually married and wants to work it out with his wife? Nah, thank goodness it wasn’t that. 

He just has just been seeing someone for 2 weeks now and “didn’t want to disappoint 2 women so he felt the need to tell me.” Gee thanks. I sweep it under the rug and agree to “just be friends”. Since when in the history of ever has that worked? 

Really? I mean really? That’s nice bro. Could we not even have a conversation on where this was going? 

It’s funny because this past weekend I almost texted him just letting him know that I’ve started to really catch feelings for him. Glad I didn’t. I would have felt like a huge L 7 weenie. 

 Enjoy your new person loser. I hope she has a smelly crotch. 

-p

Damn Daniel….back at it again with an ex…

I would love to say my luck with bad dates has changed but then I would be lying. Clearly nothing to exciting has happened since my last post. Let me think back….

Dated an Army man during the turn of the year…for a second time. Remember the one who turned out to be a huge dickwad and giant liar? Yeah that one. After refusing to reply to his random text videos of thunderstorms (my favorite) and a funny gif here or there he finally wore me down with a snap of Tiffanys saying “reminds me of you”. 

Now I’m not obsessed with the store, nor do I have the bank account to be. I am however deeply in love with the color. Well that peeked my interest and responded with a “why?”

I was cold and fairly snarky the through the first handful of snaps, keeping him at a distance which he more than anything deserved. Well he wore me down with the persistence and sweetness. 

Damn it!! 

I ageed to a lunch in which he picked me up from work. Was my hair and makeup on point and was my skirt just tight enough to be dangerous? You’re damn right. Did he accidentally bump a car at a stop light after he dropped me off because he was thinking about my booty? YUP. 

Lunch was done and he had given me a gift, in a little blue bag. I win. 

It was just a sliver ring that I had been wanting for my middle finger. It was his “im sorry” gift. Yeah ok. 

Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way and I thought he had grown up. Nah, course not. The laundry list of issues became even more apparent when I ripped off the rose colored glasses. I cut slingload and made him cry. At that point I was way to emotionally disconnected from the entire thing. 

Back on the Bumble train and hoping any and all of my friends know anyone worth 5 minutes of my time? Anyone….hello?

Let’s see how tired my thumb gets this time.

-p

an open letter to my ex

ive seen a few of these online so i figured id write my own.

i dont want to start off by saying thank you. whats the hell am i going to thank you for? thank you for the tears and empty promises? oh please. id rather start off by saying youre an ass and i hope someone treats you the way you treated me. if im going to be completely honest (isnt that the point of these things?) you broke my heart into pieces not once but twice. there i said it. i stopped being a tough girl for once and wrote how i really feel. i hate that i still think of you on the random occasion. i hate that i lost a best friend. i hate that i put myself out there for you multiple times just to be totally taken advantage of. you wernt terrible. there were times you were nice and kinda funny. i just dont get why you didnt do that all the time? i guess its too much work to be a decent person all of the time.

good bye and dont ever call me again,

-the best thing you ever had

they say at the end of every relationship there is a lesson to be learned. whoever “they” is i think could be right.

ive learned i am important enough to drive 28 minutes to see no matter how tired you are. little things are important to me (and im assuming every other red-blooded woman out there) no matter how much you dont think they do. i would enjoy someone who would spend more time cooking and less time smoking gross cigarettes.

enough of my bitching.

cheers to ex’s and being single.

-p

busy…but not really

ive been pretty busy lately, going on dates? no but reading and dodging complete toolbags. talk about weeding out the bad ones.

i think ive gotten the hang of this online dating thing. just kidding ive only found out that 95% of the douches out there cant read or understand the word no. take for instance one of my fewest suitors, jabba the hut. red flags all over this mug not to mention the fact he openly is “Mainly looking for a BDSM relationship. If you would like to be treated like the Goddess you are would love to chat.” REALLY?! so i guess the part of my profile where i specifically say “dont message me if youre just trying to get some” doesnt apply to him? gross. lay off the creampuffs and stop watching 50 shades.

then there was this guy. when you look like a mix between the main character of renegade (only lacking the delicious six pack and chest) and a washed up wrestler from the 80’s, there is a very specific lady looking for you. i however am not her. also dont just send me a message of a winky face.

should we talk about stretch? yeah this guy…6foot 12foot 9. i can dig it. ive never been out with anyone who i could completely see up there nose. and maybe there is a reason why…

look. im not against giving my number out to anyone who asks for it. maybe thats not a good thing? but it really does get annoying having to keep opening up this stupid website. stretch seemed harmless enough. until the conversation went from “we should meet up” to “you need to come over”. again…excuse me? look here punk, i dont know you from adam, and seeing as im not 100% caught up on my Ninjutsu (yeah its a real thing…wikki it) im not an idiot and going to go to your house. just stop. be smart.

then “mike” started blowing up my phone. and by blowing up i mean it goes a little something like this…

“hey” 1:16am

“hey!!!” next day 12:32am

shirtless picture

“come over” 11:38pm

another shirtless picture

my response – “do you even own a shirt?”

sometimes my emasculating does the trick. im an ass i know.  hopefully it will work on these winners.

time to get my hair done.

-p

Confidence is attractive…being an ass is not

i would say it’s just another boring sunday with nothing to blog about but i’d be lying.

let’s start with thursday…

i’ve always wondered if it’s better to go out on a date with a friend of a friend, or some random stranger. well, i’ve now done both. a good friend of mine gave me a name of a fella who needs to be put in his place. my mean girl came out and instantly jumped on the chance.

taking it back to 12th grade, i requested to be his friend on facebook. i “creeped” after he immediately accepted my request. my first impression was not a good one with mr. a. his “tryin to hard to be buff” pics with young ladies commenting on how “hot” he is made me almost lose my lunch…and i felt the uprising urge put him in his place.

now don’t judge me here, but i did something terrible. i hooked him. it was easier than i had expected which made it almost no fun. within less than 2 hours of not knowing this guy from adam, he wanted to take me out the following monday.

*press easy button here*

i thought to myself “piece of cake. i’ll go out with this kid, (who is younger and shorter than me. they all are.) and put him in his place.” this was ultimately for his own good. i believe people like that need to get knocked down a peg or two every once in a while.

saturday rolls around and i get another facebook message from mr.a asking where i live so he can figure out where we can go monday. without giving any exact locations, he lives in the country, and me…i’m in the city. my mother always told me i’m worth a guy driving to get me. i take that into account most of the time, unless i might need a quick get away and can sneek out without an awkward car ride back to my place. anyway, mr. a has the audacity to tell me, “that’s too far can we meet somewhere in the middle?” now even if i was interested…that just made you loose mega points. sheesh.

was it creepy and un-lady like, or just 2013ish that i facebooked this kid regardless of my intentions? i still have no clue where we are going to go…if anywhere at this point. i don’t know if i can call this a success yet or not?…can i call, next?

-pineapple

so it begins

after recently ending a year long relationship, i find myself starting this blog to express my thoughts on my new dating ventures and life as a single young woman.

my first weekend single wasn’t as exciting as i had hoped it would be. i found myself in bed at 9pm on a friday night…not suffering from any exotic or exciting sickness…just boredom.

saturday morning i woke up, turned the tv on and indulged myself in some sappy girl time with back to back jlo romantic flicks (haven’t had any of that in a while). the only thing missing was a pint of ben and jerry’s and a half eaten bag of wal-mart peanut butter cups (have you tried those? amazing.).  after watching “the wedding planner” and “monster in law”, i took my sister’s dog for a walk (little mutt was staying with me for the weekend). much to my surprise, i didn’t run into a good looking doctor. weird…jenny from the block did multiple times wearing a dress over jeans in her stupid movie. i figured that’s gotta be how to do it.  i also went to my favorite overpriced coffee spot in hopes to catch some lucky, handsome dr’s eye…no, not you, creepy guy sitting in the corner.

what a bust.

thanks, jlo. you gave me unrealistic expectations that i, just a simple girl (much like yourself) can find love just around the corner.

liar.

saturday eventing i found myself at a hockey game. i was really pumped about it. a “friend” from a while ago invited me and seeing as i had not been to game, i was all in. this guy (we’ll call him mr. x from here on out just for his protection and privacy…actually any guy i go on a date will be referred to as mr. x just to keep it anonymous. lets hope that doesn’t get confusing).

anyway, back to this guy. he’s sweet. i had not seen him due to my being in a relationship and he was, too, for a long time.

so, we’re on our way to the game and i’m thinking to myself “you never know…he’s nice…something could happen.” yadda yadda yadda. now before i go on, i’ve been told that i’m high maintenance. i really don’t believe that. however, i do like nicer things and i like things to be kept nice. having said this, i get into mr. x’s car and i’m smacked in the face with the stench of wet dog and muddy paws. now don’t get me wrong…i’m a huge dog lover, but i also like a clean car. i felt a little uncomfortable trying to avoid the ash from the black and mild he was smoking and the dog hair. i tried to make the best of it and breathe out the window without being obvious. we made small talk and went into the game.

three large beers into the first period and i knew i was back to my old ways…drinking my relationships away. the game was fun, although the home team lost. maybe i’ll become a hockey players wife. i don’t mind the cold and i’m ok if they have a fake tooth or broken nose. sadly, i looked up the roster and realize a lot of the guys are younger than me. eh, maybe some other sport?

i came home and mr. x walked me to my door. enter that awkward “i think he’s gonna try to make a move” thing going on, so i shut that down pretty quick, gave him a quick hug, and said goodnight.

i guess my first go round and weekend back in the single lifestyle was a bust. oh well…next?

-pineapple