I just don’t see it…

how do I even start this post? Do I go straight to the end and say it didn’t work out? Cuz that’s been my story for the last decade. Haha.

Online dating is weird. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shallowness of “hey your hot…imma swipe right” kinda thing. This last one had promise or so I fooled myself into thinking it did.

Started out like any other, we chatted, we met, we kissed. Woo hoo. He lived a good 45 minutes away but worked fairly close to where I live. Things slowly progressed, and I was having fun. Actually ended up meeting the close friends AND mom and dad. How that happened I still don’t know.

We had enough in common to make it fun and enough of our own things to make it not annoying. There was a good balance, he even got me to watch Game of Thrones. I know I’m a few years behind everyone when it comes to that, but holy crap that’s an awesome show.

we made plans on a Thursday night to go to dinner and a baseball game Friday. I was taking the day off because I needed a day away from the hell I work in and to get a massage. He would pick me up from my place and we would have the most fun.

Until I wake up to a text Friday morning…

”I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

youve gotta be shitting me. I just looked at my phone and thought it was a joke. Did we not make plans less than 12 hours before? Did you really TEXT me to end things with me? I was able to ask him WTF bro?

he gives me the classic cop out of “I just don’t see anything long term between us and that’s what I want” then continued to contradict himself until I had enough.

oh ok…yeah no that totally makes sense. Tell your mother I said hello and your father that I think you’re an ass.

it’s looking like being that cool single aunt is gonna be my gig…I’m starting to be ok with that.

 

-p

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Looks like you’re out of people…

So you’re telling me that I have swiped though alllllllll the men within a 25 mile radious of me?! You have GOT to be kidding. I would demand a refund if I had paid for this app. 

Should I expand my search radius? That would probably only be an awful idea. Seeing as IF I did that, I would find the one man who seems worth a minute of my time. We would chat, exchange numbers, and never ever meet up seeing as our schedules would conflict and I’m not a fan of driving. 

It’s awfully addicting and I can’t help myself. Should I even admit this? I blame being bored. Yeah, that’s it. Some of these profiles just make me blink and ask myself are these the only men left out there for me? I mean common, being a frat boy was once an attractive trait..no wait, it never was. Seriously? Grow up.

Where are the grown ups with real jobs, no kids and any sort of attraction to me? Well obviously they aren’t on this app. 

Please don’t tell me I have to put real clothes on and actually brush my hair. Meeting in real life is so…1999. 

No exciting updates or stories as of yet. Crossing my fingers for one to occupy my time soon. 
-p

Damn Daniel….back at it again with an ex…

I would love to say my luck with bad dates has changed but then I would be lying. Clearly nothing to exciting has happened since my last post. Let me think back….

Dated an Army man during the turn of the year…for a second time. Remember the one who turned out to be a huge dickwad and giant liar? Yeah that one. After refusing to reply to his random text videos of thunderstorms (my favorite) and a funny gif here or there he finally wore me down with a snap of Tiffanys saying “reminds me of you”. 

Now I’m not obsessed with the store, nor do I have the bank account to be. I am however deeply in love with the color. Well that peeked my interest and responded with a “why?”

I was cold and fairly snarky the through the first handful of snaps, keeping him at a distance which he more than anything deserved. Well he wore me down with the persistence and sweetness. 

Damn it!! 

I ageed to a lunch in which he picked me up from work. Was my hair and makeup on point and was my skirt just tight enough to be dangerous? You’re damn right. Did he accidentally bump a car at a stop light after he dropped me off because he was thinking about my booty? YUP. 

Lunch was done and he had given me a gift, in a little blue bag. I win. 

It was just a sliver ring that I had been wanting for my middle finger. It was his “im sorry” gift. Yeah ok. 

Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way and I thought he had grown up. Nah, course not. The laundry list of issues became even more apparent when I ripped off the rose colored glasses. I cut slingload and made him cry. At that point I was way to emotionally disconnected from the entire thing. 

Back on the Bumble train and hoping any and all of my friends know anyone worth 5 minutes of my time? Anyone….hello?

Let’s see how tired my thumb gets this time.

-p

When it rains it pours

so i took a short get away the other weekend to visit some family only to come home to a soggy apartment. thats right, due to copious amounts of rain while i was away, my sliding glass door couldnt withhold the small lake that was building up outside. nothing was ruined thank goodness, tho a lot of my stuff was starting to smell like mildew. i needed a brain break from all the apartment complex bullshit and trying to find somewhere to lay my little head.

so i hoped back on tinder, what did you expect? got matched with a surprisingly attractive guy. win. right? i was surprised he was half as attractive as he was in his pictures. i swear, guys know more about angles and filters more than most girls. it started like they all do, we texted and met up a few days later at a restaurant not to far away. of course he wanted to meet at a place right next to the local ball park, and of course there was a game. parking was impossible. thats always a great start to a date.
i ended up having beer for dinner. the conversation wasnt bad, tho neither was the last one…. im not an alcoholic by any means, well there was that one relationship i ended up trying to drink away…but anyway, after only 2 beers, poor kid was getting pretty drunk. thats annoying when youre in the late 20’s age bracket. the conversation wasnt going anywere and he all of a sudden started getting really offended at random stuff unlike the beginning of the night. he wasnt being funny any more. why cant they be normal?

towards the end of the date i got a “lets do dinner sometime”. i didnt hear from him. hes joking right? i lost his number.

great news tho, im fully moved into my other apartment and the hell of the complex will be behind me tomorrow morning.

mazel.

-p

heidi ho neighbor…

i cant remember which terrible free site i was on and met the last winner, not like it matters. i dont know if im too nice or just looking for losers in all the wrong places.

he was sweet. i knew it. it went all downhill from there. he was also clean shaven. in theory thats not a bad thing. i also dont have a specific type. maybe thats my problem. i still gave him a chance. i also found out he lived within a stones throw away from me. no joke. i thought it might be super convenient. a possible neighbor romance? ok.

of course i was wrong.

after a few days of texting, i agreed to meet up at the local craft brew bar? conveniently right down the road. i only agreed on that because i did not want to drive downtown. the conversation wasnt terrible. he was actually pretty smart. then i started to glaze over worse than a doughnut. i dont even remember what he was saying. he wasnt funny. all girls like a guy who can make her laugh.

after one beer, 2 book clubs and an awkward kiss at the end of the night he sailed right into the friend zone. we said our awkward goodbyes and that was that. or so i thought.

im a terrible closer. or maybe i just dont like hurting their feelings. the next day he texted me and my responses were short and sweet. then i get this…

“i sense a steep decline in your interest since yesterday. were you weirded out that i kissed you? if im misinterpreting that then great, but i dont want to prolong this if youre not interested.”

whoops.

-p

busy…but not really

ive been pretty busy lately, going on dates? no but reading and dodging complete toolbags. talk about weeding out the bad ones.

i think ive gotten the hang of this online dating thing. just kidding ive only found out that 95% of the douches out there cant read or understand the word no. take for instance one of my fewest suitors, jabba the hut. red flags all over this mug not to mention the fact he openly is “Mainly looking for a BDSM relationship. If you would like to be treated like the Goddess you are would love to chat.” REALLY?! so i guess the part of my profile where i specifically say “dont message me if youre just trying to get some” doesnt apply to him? gross. lay off the creampuffs and stop watching 50 shades.

then there was this guy. when you look like a mix between the main character of renegade (only lacking the delicious six pack and chest) and a washed up wrestler from the 80’s, there is a very specific lady looking for you. i however am not her. also dont just send me a message of a winky face.

should we talk about stretch? yeah this guy…6foot 12foot 9. i can dig it. ive never been out with anyone who i could completely see up there nose. and maybe there is a reason why…

look. im not against giving my number out to anyone who asks for it. maybe thats not a good thing? but it really does get annoying having to keep opening up this stupid website. stretch seemed harmless enough. until the conversation went from “we should meet up” to “you need to come over”. again…excuse me? look here punk, i dont know you from adam, and seeing as im not 100% caught up on my Ninjutsu (yeah its a real thing…wikki it) im not an idiot and going to go to your house. just stop. be smart.

then “mike” started blowing up my phone. and by blowing up i mean it goes a little something like this…

“hey” 1:16am

“hey!!!” next day 12:32am

shirtless picture

“come over” 11:38pm

another shirtless picture

my response – “do you even own a shirt?”

sometimes my emasculating does the trick. im an ass i know.  hopefully it will work on these winners.

time to get my hair done.

-p

Pick me up…no no put me back down…

i thought id take the time to share some of winners who have tried to contact me on my online profile. i get it, sometimes online dating can be hard and you need to say something to stand out from the rest of the schmucks. unfortunately these need to try again. do these pick-up lines really work on women? i wasnt feelin it so i didnt respond to these guys. was that rude? whoops. here we go…

8:46pm: “hey gorgeous, saw your profile and wanted to ask if we could be friends and know each other more. i moved recently to the area from Boston for new job in biotech company. was thinking if we could meet sometime for dinner, drinks or movie?      thanks.

8 minutes later… “hope you could reply”

-no thanks boston. ill pass. besides clocking on your profile and seeing id be 5 inches taller than you and look like your bodyguard, im gonna take a wild guess we dont have much in common.

3:38pm: “i like how you used the word lady. i cant get myself to message a “gal” “gurrrl” or “grrl” and other such variants of women. whats up?

the next day: “it isn’t lady like not to reply my lady. :p”

-when you have something in your profile about being a grammar nazi, ill pass.

6:40am: “hello miss, how are you? i wonder is your heart sweeter than your beauty?”

-nope. its not. i dont even have a heart. click.

10:14am: “would you merry me? dont get freaked out im just joking lol but those are the only words i can say to someone has the most romantic face with a smile on it i have seen in a long time you so beautiful and i might even fall in love with you if i keep looking at your face 🙂 please tell me what kind of miracle do i need to have dinner with you sometimes and be able to know you more in person??”

-who doesnt like a good italian man? but slow down there mister. and can you learn where to put a period, comma, semicolon…anything?

10:39am “you are really unbelievably drop dead fred gorgeous. my god. *faints*

-good movie, but youre a little dramatic mr.

10:42am “wow..i honestly cant find a single thing wrong with you. youre gorgeous, you sound very unique and interesting which paired with a sexy body almost never happens. and youre close! ahh!! =D please tell me noone has stolen you yet?!? not sure exactly what im after on this site, all i know is i just spent alot of time checking you out and i dont want to leave=))”

-creepy. i feel like the possibility of being turned into a skin-suit was high with that one.

is it me? it has to be. time for coffee, or maybe a bottle of wine….

-pineapple