My roommate from hell…

this past summer was my first experience living with a boyfriend. to be honest, it was awful. i was expecting cooking dinner together, snuggles and maybe even Starbucks in bed on a Saturday morning. holy crap was i wrong.

it all started with a cute bartender that applied at my job. i was helping out with HR and he came into my office for some paperwork. one thing lead to another and we got drinks after work at a local bar.

we hit it off right away and he was really easy to talk to. he had an interesting story and well looking back, i guess i was lonely.

my lease was ending in a month so he offered for me to just move in with him. i figured that couldnt be bad because id be saving money, my name wouldnt be on a lease and well frankly, why the hell not?

so i did. packed up all my stuff from my 1 bedroom and moved it into his 1 bedroom. thankfully, he was a typical bachelor and didnt have much of anything in his place, with the exception of a damn cat. (red flag…the first of many) we worked opposite schedules for a while and it wasnt awful, i usually woke up when he came home and we talked about his day and all the drunks he had to deal with.

things started to crash pretty quickly after i moved in. there was nothing physical…as in, not even a hug when i came home from a 4 day weekend helping my best friend plan her wedding. no hug, handhold or even a damn fist bump. kissing? ppsshh that stopped almost immediately.

well, just like any other normal person, i took that as something was wrong with me. the feeling of not being good enough kept flooding my head. i was also feeling like a roommate as opposed to a girlfriend. i was doing all the cleaning and laundry. the cleaning, oh dear lord the status of the apartment was that of a 21 year old single guy who is probably flunking out of college. so. many. solo. cups. why? all over the place. some empty and some with who knows what that liquid is with something fuzzy growing on it. it grossed me out i had to deep clean the apartment almost weekly.

i was beyond unhappy and feeling totally used. this kid just wanted someone to take care of him and clean up after him. uh, im not a caretaker, and if i were, id be getting paid.

i finally grew a pair and had a conversation with him about everything i was feeling. surprised, the conversation went well. as in, no yelling or screaming. very adult like. we ended things on the relationship side and agreed to be roommates until i got enough money to move out.

bonus fact. we shared a bed. talk about awkward. we slept back to back…like 2 brothers being forced to share a queen bed during the holidays. weird.

i stopped cleaning. it hurt my insides so bad to sit in filth. but i refused. he was a grown damn man in his mid 30’s and should know how to throw a stupid cup away THAT WAS PUT ON THE COUNTER 2 FEET FROM THE GARBAGE BIN! i mean seriously.

i had made a plan to move out and gave him a 2 weeks notice. i had been paying rent plus a little more for utilities but had never signed anything thank god. i thought that was fair enough and he seemed fine with it.

2 days before my Uhaul Pod arrived, he tells me “so if you want to go ahead and write me a check, thatd be fine.” um excuse me for what? so this kid tries to tell me “oh yeah, ive been billing you at the end of the month for rent.”

in what world is that ever a thing? let alone youre not going to tell your roommate that plan? oh so youre leaving in 2 days and im short on cash, you can go ahead and write me a check? yeah buddy, i’ll write you something.

i told him he had lost his marbles and that i had paid my october rent…at the beginning of the month and thought nothing more of it.

monday comes and a friend and i pack the pod and get the hell out. i sent him a text telling him his key was under the mat and that Uhaul would pick the giant pod up the next day.

he sends me a text saying “ummm so you arnt coming back? did you leave the check?”

i laugh out loud and immediately get on the phone with the friend who had helped me pack and knew all about the strange situation i had been in for a few months. i did not want to leave on a bad note with the kid, i really didnt. but i have yet to respond. he texted me again on sunday asking for the check. im so tempted to just tell him “its in the pile of trash that is your apartment, happy hunting”.

idiot.

-pineapple

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I just don’t see it…

how do I even start this post? Do I go straight to the end and say it didn’t work out? Cuz that’s been my story for the last decade. Haha.

Online dating is weird. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shallowness of “hey your hot…imma swipe right” kinda thing. This last one had promise or so I fooled myself into thinking it did.

Started out like any other, we chatted, we met, we kissed. Woo hoo. He lived a good 45 minutes away but worked fairly close to where I live. Things slowly progressed, and I was having fun. Actually ended up meeting the close friends AND mom and dad. How that happened I still don’t know.

We had enough in common to make it fun and enough of our own things to make it not annoying. There was a good balance, he even got me to watch Game of Thrones. I know I’m a few years behind everyone when it comes to that, but holy crap that’s an awesome show.

we made plans on a Thursday night to go to dinner and a baseball game Friday. I was taking the day off because I needed a day away from the hell I work in and to get a massage. He would pick me up from my place and we would have the most fun.

Until I wake up to a text Friday morning…

”I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

youve gotta be shitting me. I just looked at my phone and thought it was a joke. Did we not make plans less than 12 hours before? Did you really TEXT me to end things with me? I was able to ask him WTF bro?

he gives me the classic cop out of “I just don’t see anything long term between us and that’s what I want” then continued to contradict himself until I had enough.

oh ok…yeah no that totally makes sense. Tell your mother I said hello and your father that I think you’re an ass.

it’s looking like being that cool single aunt is gonna be my gig…I’m starting to be ok with that.

 

-p

Fly me to the moon… 

One of my best friends dates a pilot. That’s a pretty exciting life if you ask me. Seeing as I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant since I was in high school, the people that have a job around airplanes is pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Of course she’s usually looking out for me and seeing as she wants me to move to her city, she’s been trying to find a male counterpart for me to help with the enticement of moving closer to her. 

Her boyfriend has friends naturally. Tho, from what I’ve experienced, the airline industry is a whole different beast. It’s like everyone knows everyone even if they work for different airlines. Weird. Of course I was introduced to a fellow lover of the sky, or an FO as some call them. 

He was cute, naturally and my senior by only 4 years or so, you know the perfect age difference. The first time we met I had a killer migraine and was almost in tears in the back of my friends jeep. We get to the pilots apartment (luxury is just one word I would use to describe it) and I walk straight to his Restoration Hardwear leather couch and collapse. I ask for some water and any kind of pain medicine this kid has. Hi nice to meet you. 

I end up rallying (still don’t know to this day how I managed that one) and we make our way to a brewery a few blocks away. Long story short, we end up hitting it off. A lot. 

This is awesome. He’s funny, good looking, has a stable, bombass job and seems into me. Win. 

He flys to me one weekend and I drive to him a few weekends later. This continues for a while. The bottles of wine that he brings me are delicious and the hand holding in the back of an Uber makes me feel like I’m in high school again. We text each other every since we met. 

Seeing as his schedule is all over the place and mine is a solid 9-5 it seemed to work, at least well enough. No we weren’t up each other’s asses thank God, I’m not into that and from what I gathered, neither was he. 

Got a text from him last night asking if he could call me today. That was weird cuz he’s not a fan of talking on the phone, then again who really is these days? He called me while I was out at a bar with some coworkers and starts off with “so I have to tell you something.” 

Oh cool, he’s actually married and wants to work it out with his wife? Nah, thank goodness it wasn’t that. 

He just has just been seeing someone for 2 weeks now and “didn’t want to disappoint 2 women so he felt the need to tell me.” Gee thanks. I sweep it under the rug and agree to “just be friends”. Since when in the history of ever has that worked? 

Really? I mean really? That’s nice bro. Could we not even have a conversation on where this was going? 

It’s funny because this past weekend I almost texted him just letting him know that I’ve started to really catch feelings for him. Glad I didn’t. I would have felt like a huge L 7 weenie. 

 Enjoy your new person loser. I hope she has a smelly crotch. 

-p

Looks like you’re out of people…

So you’re telling me that I have swiped though alllllllll the men within a 25 mile radious of me?! You have GOT to be kidding. I would demand a refund if I had paid for this app. 

Should I expand my search radius? That would probably only be an awful idea. Seeing as IF I did that, I would find the one man who seems worth a minute of my time. We would chat, exchange numbers, and never ever meet up seeing as our schedules would conflict and I’m not a fan of driving. 

It’s awfully addicting and I can’t help myself. Should I even admit this? I blame being bored. Yeah, that’s it. Some of these profiles just make me blink and ask myself are these the only men left out there for me? I mean common, being a frat boy was once an attractive trait..no wait, it never was. Seriously? Grow up.

Where are the grown ups with real jobs, no kids and any sort of attraction to me? Well obviously they aren’t on this app. 

Please don’t tell me I have to put real clothes on and actually brush my hair. Meeting in real life is so…1999. 

No exciting updates or stories as of yet. Crossing my fingers for one to occupy my time soon. 
-p

Damn Daniel….back at it again with an ex…

I would love to say my luck with bad dates has changed but then I would be lying. Clearly nothing to exciting has happened since my last post. Let me think back….

Dated an Army man during the turn of the year…for a second time. Remember the one who turned out to be a huge dickwad and giant liar? Yeah that one. After refusing to reply to his random text videos of thunderstorms (my favorite) and a funny gif here or there he finally wore me down with a snap of Tiffanys saying “reminds me of you”. 

Now I’m not obsessed with the store, nor do I have the bank account to be. I am however deeply in love with the color. Well that peeked my interest and responded with a “why?”

I was cold and fairly snarky the through the first handful of snaps, keeping him at a distance which he more than anything deserved. Well he wore me down with the persistence and sweetness. 

Damn it!! 

I ageed to a lunch in which he picked me up from work. Was my hair and makeup on point and was my skirt just tight enough to be dangerous? You’re damn right. Did he accidentally bump a car at a stop light after he dropped me off because he was thinking about my booty? YUP. 

Lunch was done and he had given me a gift, in a little blue bag. I win. 

It was just a sliver ring that I had been wanting for my middle finger. It was his “im sorry” gift. Yeah ok. 

Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way and I thought he had grown up. Nah, course not. The laundry list of issues became even more apparent when I ripped off the rose colored glasses. I cut slingload and made him cry. At that point I was way to emotionally disconnected from the entire thing. 

Back on the Bumble train and hoping any and all of my friends know anyone worth 5 minutes of my time? Anyone….hello?

Let’s see how tired my thumb gets this time.

-p

an open letter to my ex

ive seen a few of these online so i figured id write my own.

i dont want to start off by saying thank you. whats the hell am i going to thank you for? thank you for the tears and empty promises? oh please. id rather start off by saying youre an ass and i hope someone treats you the way you treated me. if im going to be completely honest (isnt that the point of these things?) you broke my heart into pieces not once but twice. there i said it. i stopped being a tough girl for once and wrote how i really feel. i hate that i still think of you on the random occasion. i hate that i lost a best friend. i hate that i put myself out there for you multiple times just to be totally taken advantage of. you wernt terrible. there were times you were nice and kinda funny. i just dont get why you didnt do that all the time? i guess its too much work to be a decent person all of the time.

good bye and dont ever call me again,

-the best thing you ever had

they say at the end of every relationship there is a lesson to be learned. whoever “they” is i think could be right.

ive learned i am important enough to drive 28 minutes to see no matter how tired you are. little things are important to me (and im assuming every other red-blooded woman out there) no matter how much you dont think they do. i would enjoy someone who would spend more time cooking and less time smoking gross cigarettes.

enough of my bitching.

cheers to ex’s and being single.

-p

busy…but not really

ive been pretty busy lately, going on dates? no but reading and dodging complete toolbags. talk about weeding out the bad ones.

i think ive gotten the hang of this online dating thing. just kidding ive only found out that 95% of the douches out there cant read or understand the word no. take for instance one of my fewest suitors, jabba the hut. red flags all over this mug not to mention the fact he openly is “Mainly looking for a BDSM relationship. If you would like to be treated like the Goddess you are would love to chat.” REALLY?! so i guess the part of my profile where i specifically say “dont message me if youre just trying to get some” doesnt apply to him? gross. lay off the creampuffs and stop watching 50 shades.

then there was this guy. when you look like a mix between the main character of renegade (only lacking the delicious six pack and chest) and a washed up wrestler from the 80’s, there is a very specific lady looking for you. i however am not her. also dont just send me a message of a winky face.

should we talk about stretch? yeah this guy…6foot 12foot 9. i can dig it. ive never been out with anyone who i could completely see up there nose. and maybe there is a reason why…

look. im not against giving my number out to anyone who asks for it. maybe thats not a good thing? but it really does get annoying having to keep opening up this stupid website. stretch seemed harmless enough. until the conversation went from “we should meet up” to “you need to come over”. again…excuse me? look here punk, i dont know you from adam, and seeing as im not 100% caught up on my Ninjutsu (yeah its a real thing…wikki it) im not an idiot and going to go to your house. just stop. be smart.

then “mike” started blowing up my phone. and by blowing up i mean it goes a little something like this…

“hey” 1:16am

“hey!!!” next day 12:32am

shirtless picture

“come over” 11:38pm

another shirtless picture

my response – “do you even own a shirt?”

sometimes my emasculating does the trick. im an ass i know.  hopefully it will work on these winners.

time to get my hair done.

-p

I’m a material girl..

Well I’m not a huge Madonna fan, but I felt the phase was fitting. I’ve been thinking a lot about all my past relationships and how utterly lame they were. Obviously, due to lack longevity (I blame that mostly on age) the things I have gotten are rather lame.
Just to give you some of the hi-lights, here I go…

First boyfriend at age 16 sent me flowers on my birthday. I blame him and all those sappy movies for that expectation. He also gave me a duct tape flower and a key to his heart. One of the most cheezy, yet innocent and sweet? I was just young and dumb.

First boyfriend in college wrote me a song on the guitar. it was strangely close to the one I heard him sing to his girlfriend a few weeks before… Anyway, he also got me sweet red roses for valentines day. After I told him of course I hate red roses. Then again, what guy really listens? Oh then for my birthday I got 2 chocolate candy bars and the travel game of 20 questions. I shit you not. Happy birthday to me.

The drug dealer or was he just a doer? (No judgement please) gave me the most beautiful 10$ golden necklace in the shape of a heart with my birthstone. I’ve seen better jewelry at Walmart and this was just 2 weeks into dating. I also had told him I didn’t wear gold. Go figure another listener.
G.i.joe wasn’t terrible. Granted most of the stuff I borrowed with no intension of returning. Mostly shirts cuz the military has some badass tshirts. The bag with my name on it wasn’t bad either.

The last one was pretty good. He left me coffee on my car before work, and flowers next to my bed for me to come home to. He also got me a necklace from Tiffany and co. Hello upgrade. I still wear it to this day because it’s actually really nice.

I’m hoping it’s mostly an age thing? But guys really need to understand sometimes it’s nice to get something that sparkles or some flowers. A candy bar or jewelry from a gum machine doesn’t cut it anymore.

I’m a superficial douche. Oh well.

-p

Pick me up…no no put me back down…

i thought id take the time to share some of winners who have tried to contact me on my online profile. i get it, sometimes online dating can be hard and you need to say something to stand out from the rest of the schmucks. unfortunately these need to try again. do these pick-up lines really work on women? i wasnt feelin it so i didnt respond to these guys. was that rude? whoops. here we go…

8:46pm: “hey gorgeous, saw your profile and wanted to ask if we could be friends and know each other more. i moved recently to the area from Boston for new job in biotech company. was thinking if we could meet sometime for dinner, drinks or movie?      thanks.

8 minutes later… “hope you could reply”

-no thanks boston. ill pass. besides clocking on your profile and seeing id be 5 inches taller than you and look like your bodyguard, im gonna take a wild guess we dont have much in common.

3:38pm: “i like how you used the word lady. i cant get myself to message a “gal” “gurrrl” or “grrl” and other such variants of women. whats up?

the next day: “it isn’t lady like not to reply my lady. :p”

-when you have something in your profile about being a grammar nazi, ill pass.

6:40am: “hello miss, how are you? i wonder is your heart sweeter than your beauty?”

-nope. its not. i dont even have a heart. click.

10:14am: “would you merry me? dont get freaked out im just joking lol but those are the only words i can say to someone has the most romantic face with a smile on it i have seen in a long time you so beautiful and i might even fall in love with you if i keep looking at your face 🙂 please tell me what kind of miracle do i need to have dinner with you sometimes and be able to know you more in person??”

-who doesnt like a good italian man? but slow down there mister. and can you learn where to put a period, comma, semicolon…anything?

10:39am “you are really unbelievably drop dead fred gorgeous. my god. *faints*

-good movie, but youre a little dramatic mr.

10:42am “wow..i honestly cant find a single thing wrong with you. youre gorgeous, you sound very unique and interesting which paired with a sexy body almost never happens. and youre close! ahh!! =D please tell me noone has stolen you yet?!? not sure exactly what im after on this site, all i know is i just spent alot of time checking you out and i dont want to leave=))”

-creepy. i feel like the possibility of being turned into a skin-suit was high with that one.

is it me? it has to be. time for coffee, or maybe a bottle of wine….

-pineapple

 

Here fishy fishy

one of my guilty pleasures has been the MTV show “catfish”. regardless of it typically having the same ending, you know the kinda geeky guy just looking for love gets messaged by some blonde bombshell who ends up being a large white guy who created “Amanda’s” profile because he was just having fun, or he had been bullied so he wanted to get back at people.

not too long ago i myself was victim of the catfish.

ill preface this by saying, online dating is not for everyone.

seeing as i was on the hunt for.. no wait, that sounds awful, let me start again. seeing as i was just a hopeless romantic looking for her prince i kept my options wide open and gave just about everyone a chance. im not recommending that to anyone. i have a bad habit of seeing the good or the potential for good in people.

after chatting with a young man for a few days we agreed to grab sushi. apparently thats my go-to food for a first date. looking back here are just a few red flags:

1) his profile picture was of 3 guys 2) it looked like an older picture 3) he only had one picture.

im an idiot i know.

regardless, i met up at a local sushi joint with high hopes. after meeting up with a rather large, (i dont mean just fat, he could turn me into a pancake if i said the wrong thing) guy who looked nothing like anyone in the pictures, we sat down for food. ill withhold all the awful details of how he droned on and on about golf. after telling me was a professional, and got paid from teaching private lessons on the course because he was “soooo goood”, i lost interest quickly.

talking to the “me-monster” for 26 minutes had turned me into a zoned out not nice person. i could see right through all the bs that he was trying to play off as game. my answers began to get shorter and my eye might have wandered to a cute bartender…with those tattoos…and that jawline..wait what? anyways. i scarfed down my rolls and begged for the date to end. the waiter came by and asked if we were ready for the check. “me-monster” responded with “we are actually going to go dutch, but because i am a gentleman, ill pay for the more expensive one.” he was joking right? nope.

way to go smartie, the sushi was buy one get one free. im no math wizard, but the checks came out to be pretty much the same. i gave my card to the waiter and sweetly smiled, tho i hoped he could pick up on my “can-you-believe-what-this-jerk-just-did” look.

i quickly got up and bolted for the door. just in time for the biggest rain storm i had seen in a long time. my sweet, sweet date for the night, offered to walk me to my car. when the rain had lightened just a bit i responded with a “sure”, stuck my hands in my pockets, put my head down and began my best attempt at walking fast but not fast enough that it looked like i was running from a psycho.

he went on and on about how i, yes i had such a great time with him and he knew i was dying to see him again. blah blah blah. i turned rude got to my car and quickly responded with, “yeah i dont think so. um have fun driving back home and be safe.”

a text message 2 days later asking for another sushi dinner warranted a response from me saying “its not going to work. sorry”. i know i like to let them down gently. thankfully he got the point and left me alone.

next time i hope to get the spicy tuna, and not a bottom feeder.

-pineapple