an open letter to my ex

ive seen a few of these online so i figured id write my own.

i dont want to start off by saying thank you. whats the hell am i going to thank you for? thank you for the tears and empty promises? oh please. id rather start off by saying youre an ass and i hope someone treats you the way you treated me. if im going to be completely honest (isnt that the point of these things?) you broke my heart into pieces not once but twice. there i said it. i stopped being a tough girl for once and wrote how i really feel. i hate that i still think of you on the random occasion. i hate that i lost a best friend. i hate that i put myself out there for you multiple times just to be totally taken advantage of. you wernt terrible. there were times you were nice and kinda funny. i just dont get why you didnt do that all the time? i guess its too much work to be a decent person all of the time.

good bye and dont ever call me again,

-the best thing you ever had

they say at the end of every relationship there is a lesson to be learned. whoever “they” is i think could be right.

ive learned i am important enough to drive 28 minutes to see no matter how tired you are. little things are important to me (and im assuming every other red-blooded woman out there) no matter how much you dont think they do. i would enjoy someone who would spend more time cooking and less time smoking gross cigarettes.

enough of my bitching.

cheers to ex’s and being single.

-p

When it rains it pours

so i took a short get away the other weekend to visit some family only to come home to a soggy apartment. thats right, due to copious amounts of rain while i was away, my sliding glass door couldnt withhold the small lake that was building up outside. nothing was ruined thank goodness, tho a lot of my stuff was starting to smell like mildew. i needed a brain break from all the apartment complex bullshit and trying to find somewhere to lay my little head.

so i hoped back on tinder, what did you expect? got matched with a surprisingly attractive guy. win. right? i was surprised he was half as attractive as he was in his pictures. i swear, guys know more about angles and filters more than most girls. it started like they all do, we texted and met up a few days later at a restaurant not to far away. of course he wanted to meet at a place right next to the local ball park, and of course there was a game. parking was impossible. thats always a great start to a date.
i ended up having beer for dinner. the conversation wasnt bad, tho neither was the last one…. im not an alcoholic by any means, well there was that one relationship i ended up trying to drink away…but anyway, after only 2 beers, poor kid was getting pretty drunk. thats annoying when youre in the late 20’s age bracket. the conversation wasnt going anywere and he all of a sudden started getting really offended at random stuff unlike the beginning of the night. he wasnt being funny any more. why cant they be normal?

towards the end of the date i got a “lets do dinner sometime”. i didnt hear from him. hes joking right? i lost his number.

great news tho, im fully moved into my other apartment and the hell of the complex will be behind me tomorrow morning.

mazel.

-p

busy…but not really

ive been pretty busy lately, going on dates? no but reading and dodging complete toolbags. talk about weeding out the bad ones.

i think ive gotten the hang of this online dating thing. just kidding ive only found out that 95% of the douches out there cant read or understand the word no. take for instance one of my fewest suitors, jabba the hut. red flags all over this mug not to mention the fact he openly is “Mainly looking for a BDSM relationship. If you would like to be treated like the Goddess you are would love to chat.” REALLY?! so i guess the part of my profile where i specifically say “dont message me if youre just trying to get some” doesnt apply to him? gross. lay off the creampuffs and stop watching 50 shades.

then there was this guy. when you look like a mix between the main character of renegade (only lacking the delicious six pack and chest) and a washed up wrestler from the 80’s, there is a very specific lady looking for you. i however am not her. also dont just send me a message of a winky face.

should we talk about stretch? yeah this guy…6foot 12foot 9. i can dig it. ive never been out with anyone who i could completely see up there nose. and maybe there is a reason why…

look. im not against giving my number out to anyone who asks for it. maybe thats not a good thing? but it really does get annoying having to keep opening up this stupid website. stretch seemed harmless enough. until the conversation went from “we should meet up” to “you need to come over”. again…excuse me? look here punk, i dont know you from adam, and seeing as im not 100% caught up on my Ninjutsu (yeah its a real thing…wikki it) im not an idiot and going to go to your house. just stop. be smart.

then “mike” started blowing up my phone. and by blowing up i mean it goes a little something like this…

“hey” 1:16am

“hey!!!” next day 12:32am

shirtless picture

“come over” 11:38pm

another shirtless picture

my response – “do you even own a shirt?”

sometimes my emasculating does the trick. im an ass i know.  hopefully it will work on these winners.

time to get my hair done.

-p

when a bad date…gets badder

still fresh returning to the dating scene, i try my best to keep an open mind and expand my horizons. i have recently learned that is not always the best way to go about it.

i also lived out why one should never dip their pen into the company ink. ever.

i thought maybe because this guy was in a completely different department and i never even saw him at work, it wouldn’t really matter. boy, was i wrong. guys are bigger gossip queens than girls. having already accepted the facebook friend request and chatted for the day, i had accepted the date. and my date went a little something like this…

after a knock on my door and a quick, awkward handshake (what?) standing in my breezeway and famished, we decide on sushi. sounds great! he then asks if we can take my car because his is dirty (what?). i thought he was joking. apparently not. what kind of guy knowing hes going out with a girl wouldn’t clean his chariot? it didn’t look dirty, and i’m never afraid to get a little dirt on me. whatever. so i drive to get sushi. i’ve already deducted points in my mind for the handshake and the “dirty” vehicle (i call bs). i pull up for sushi and the place is closed. why? cuz its 10pm. you know, a good decent time to go on a date. we opt for a local burger place instead. (minus a few more points regardless on how yummy the burger was).

while chatting and combing through the bs (inflated male lies and stories and braggings) of getting to know each other, i begin to realize just how strange he was…i wasn’t interested in his sudden weight loss of 35 lbs in 2 months (lucky bitch). regardless, we got on the topic of video games and my nerd side came out, which it had before and he had just so happened to bring super smash brothers. this is the only the game i had been wanting for forever. he challenged me to a game and i accepted. i didn’t realize inviting a guy (calm down, i knew him. kinda) into my apartment was a summons for him to try to put the moves on me (stupid rookie move). don’t worry i’ve learned my lesson. listen, guys, when attempting to woo a girl, i believe one should never pull the “guppy sucker fish maneuver”. that’s right, cornering a lady in her couch and going full guppy will never get you a second date.

although the cold hand of rejection ended that attempt, my facebook has now been blown up with messages declaring how he wants more and wants to take me out again. i didn’t respond for a while, then apologized for leading him on and he should probably move on. i’ve still gotten messages wanting to hang out…and more declarations about how he wants to see me again and be with me. heaven help me why do i attract all the crazies?

next.

-pineapple

i like to play nintendo…but i’m bad at games

i’ve never understood the “games” we play with one another and the apparent rules that go along with them?! there are many, but i only have time for a few…

the “contacting each other” game:

do you or don’t you? do you text? do you wait for him to text? how long do you wait?

what is all this crap?! i really don’t think it should be this difficult in 2013 for a guy or a girl to let the other person know they had a good time and want to hang out again.

for example: you go out on a date and have a wonderful time. he’s giving you all the right signals: you touched his arm…he made you laugh…blah blah blah. maybe the night even ended with a kiss. good for you. now what?

as the female..we’ve been told wait for the male to pursue you. but we all know *most* guys are awful at communication. you don’t want to seem clingy and needy and text right away…hell no, do not call…and do people really email each other or does that happen only in the movies? so you wait for him to contact you.

3 nail-biting and otherwise stressful days later, a text from mr. wonderful arrives. great. now you have to keep your cool and play along in this cat and mouse game. you want to show interest but can’t be too available. *you don’t want to seem like you don’t have a life* hopefully, one or the other wins at the game and a second date is to be had. congratulations. if no second date, you begin again.

the kissing game:

how do you know if you’re going to get one? do you really want one? how do you avoid one if you don’t?

sure you can do what all the magazines say…draw attention to your lips…lean in and all that stuff ,but does it really work? i’m going based on my personal experience and say, “nope”. i’m a lover of a bold lip: red, pink, orange. lipstick however, does not scream “kiss me, you big lug.” so i’ve nixed the color on any first date, unless i already know it’s going to be a total crap-shoot and i’m just hungry.

more times than not, if he’s been thinking about it, he’s gonna do it. i’m not saying it’s going to be great, though. this brings me to the “trying to get out of a kiss you know that’s coming for you”. example: he’s locked his sights on your lips like a b57 ready to destroy the target. he’s not paying attention to your rambling on about how awesome dinner was, and how you should do it again…later…much later (like, after i throw my phone in the pool kind of later because you’re creepy and a stage 5 clinger and i’m scared now that you have my phone number and can contact me but thank god for caller id so i don’t have to ruin my phone later). he’s laser focused…i have to abort his mission asap. i lean in for the quick hug, throwing the idea of any kind of smooch out the window.

this is all ridiculous. where is the rule book?

game. set. match.

next.

-p