Doughnuts are a veggie…right?

Truer words never spoken:

 

this is the 4th or maybe the 10th time ive said i was going to get healthy. ive been suffering from migraines since my junior year in highschool. thats over a decade. ive been to neurologists, taken food diaries and stress tests and i keep getting the same answer…”we dont know.”

well i think thats a load of crap. ive been trying to figure out what my triggers are, im sure my extremely unhealthy diet has something to do with it. now im not saying if i get into the best shape of my life all of my problems and migraines will go away. however, its gotta help.

the other night i was at home around 8pm and decided to pop my yoga dvd into the bluray. i looked down at my legs and thought “good lord, that cannot be right.” now, i was a former collegiate athlete and even coached swimming for 5 years. i’ve never had a bangin body at least in my eyes, but i did always have killer legs. after a few good poses and my mind at peace, i decided im doing it for real this time.

ive been a very unhappy person lately and i believe my awful diet and lack of any kind of exercise has a good chunk to do with it.

im not promising that im going to post any progress pictures because lets face it, im still way to self conscious for all that nonsense. but i have found writing helps. so not only will i be sweating because im nervous on an awful date but ill also be sweating to kick my own ass.

this is going to be hard. i love a good doughnut and a gallon of icecream….

namaste bitches.

-p

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Rotten apple

im going to start this off by saying it has nothing to do with a man, or my job. this post is simply a quick rant about technology…well one particular company.

of course im apart of the overwhelming percentage of people with an iphone. yay apple. its great! user friendly for sure, sleek and just a good time. butttttttt….

i HATE the new update. just because apple is coming out with a new phone…all of a sudden all of my shit starts to not work. i swear its a conspiracy.  my videos wont load even though im fully connected to wifi and i cant even listen to my voicemails!

this is bullshit. and just another reason why i hate technology. granted, thanks to tinder and bumble and all those other apps i can go on multiple terrible dates, but seriously? this is 2016 right?

im the least technologically advanced person of my generation. im sure of that. but heres a big fuck you to apple for making my disaster of a life just a bit more awful.

im going to go watch new episodes of new girl. heres to hoping my netflix and/or bluray player doesnt take a shit too.

 

-p

bumble…like a bee.

ive given up on tinder for a while, but i have not given up on swiping. theres somthing about it. its just too easy. damn you technology.

theres a new app which puts girls in control and has been described as the sadie hawkins of online dating. im into that.

the first encounter was around the end of June. a travel nurse. i had no clue what that was but of course he seemed normal. when am i ever going to learn, no one is normal. he had just moved to the durham area and was looking for someone to hangout with. ohh pick me. we hung out a handful of times and made out like we were in 7th grade. (even though i didnt get my first kiss til 16?…).then that was it. i was ghosted. he just fell off the face of the earth. i wasnt sad at all.

the second encounter was with a clinical research associate. he looked hot. i was actually surprised he swiped right on me too. i met him for drinks close to one of my jobs to make it easier on me..duh. the conversation was more dull than unsweetened almond milk in unflavored oatmeal. i bailed fairly quickly and didnt respond to any of his followup texts.

the third was a midget from cleveland. ok not a real midget but when i towered over him in my 3inch heels…he felt like a midget. he obvioulsy had a lot to prove. another me-monster who talked about how great he was at his job. (selling suits at his friends business..eh ok.) he shifted the conversation into how many girls hes hooked up with and how good he is at that. hello no thank you.

i kept my hope alive and continued to swipe. a handful of prospects turned out to be duds. nothing went further than texting. *shrug*

the fourth encounter seemed promising. i really need to stop saying that. he was into cars, guns and outdoors. he also had the prettiest dog ever. so im into dogs and the fact it liked me back was a bonus. things got serious with him fast, at least on his end. asked about knowing if you love someone after 2 weeks. im not one to judge by time but i also still need to know what your favorite color and pizza topping is before i bust out the L word. he got the vibe i wasnt into anything serious. he offered to still be friends. i accepted and so far i have a new friend which is awesome. i call that one a win.

the most recent was probably the biggest disappointment as of late. im not saying that sarcastically. everything was great. clicked instantly and had so much in common. we chatted for a day or two. he had recently come to the east coast from the west and had the same kind of background. we met up for a date at a trendy restaurant that had a bar. he brought me flowers which was sweet but posed an issue once we got into the restaurant. he told me to pick a spot so i made my way to a hightop. apparently he didnt want to do that. he gently pushed me to the lounge area with super low hip couches with even lower tables. where the hell am i supposed to put my flowers? the table was large enough for my cocktail and a fly to sit on the edge. i didnt want to put the flowers on the floor, so i dragged another table over. the couch was large enough for me to sit by myself comfortably with a little extra room. how the hell do they expect two people to sit and enjoy each other? granted how do they expect a full grown woman and extremely large man to sit comfortably? impossible. most awkward eating scenario ive ever been in. theres a reason tables you eat at are a certain height. anyway, i tried to make a spark happen, i really did. but between the “wanting to snuggle on the couch” (look dude, theres barely enough room for us on here…the last thing i want to do is be under your arm with no neck mobility to be able to look at you and continue my story) “the hand holding” (i have the sweatiest of palms especially thanks to this ridiculously hot summer) and “the kiss attempt take one” (i saw that coming and instantly grabbed for my water, thought i was in the clear) and “the kiss attempt take two” (yes, i did put my finger on his lips and asked him if he was really going to try to kiss me on our first date. call me an ass. i dont care) hello awkward moment. sheesh. the date eneded with plans to go to lunch the next day. still trying to pour gasoline on a cigarette cherry, i said yes. the next day i had a killer migraine and had to bail. hes since gotten the feeling that “youre just seem to not be as into me when we first started talking…” i feel like ive been in this situation before…oh yea check post “heidi ho neighbor….” regardless he keeps texting me and as we all know i’m terrible at really telling them i just cant.

maybe he’ll get the point so i dont have to do or say anything. till then i’ll just keep avoiding the entire situation like cleaning my apartment.

im mature. i know.

-pineapple

 

G.I. Hoe

i feel like my entire 20’s has been starting and stopping, in regards to everything, my housing, my jobs and my relationships. that’s ok tho.

the last scumbag i dated back in the spring just turned out like all the rest. are we really surprised? i wasnt. it started out great, the kissing, the sweet gestures. i even got over the fact he had a kid. i would be an awesome stepmom, just saying. he was military. i know i know, not my fault. he took me to a ball down in beautiful florida. it was 4 awesome days of beachin it, getting dressed up and cocktails. the relationship continued as it typically does and he did his military thing. i was getting the hang of only taking to him once a day when he was away, then of course the crash and burn happened.

a weekend away in a different city was normal. what wasnt normal with this specific trip is that he didnt text me…for 2 entire days. i thought he was dead. a little morbid i know, but comes with the job. come to find out he wasnt dead! hallelujah! he texted me back saying that he was back in his home city with a bunch of his friends with an awful hangover. (wait…youre not in the city you were working in? when did you leave? are you kidding me?) now, ive done my share of partying, but a 2 day hangover where the radio silence is in full effect with someone youre…..dating? negative. i gave him an earful and his response was of course that i was overreacting. maybe, but highly unlikely. i just wanted to know that you wernt dead stupid. he was being beyond shady in regards to the entire situation. not cool bro.

something made me look on his tinder profile. i noticed a brand new picture. now, im not good at math but i put a few things together. 1)still on tinder with a new picture + 1)no response to your GIRLFRIEND for a few days  = probable cheating and sketchyness.

he tried to break up with me via text saying something like “i just dont think we see things the same way.” yeah, like i dont think its cool to cheat on someone youre dating or just blatantly ignore them. of course i was not going to let this ass do the breaking up…so i called him.

we had about a 15 minute conversation…one that was about 14 minutes too long in my opinion that ended with a

me: do you even want to be with me?

him: i donno, i have to think about that.

waaaaait what? you have to think about if you really want to be with me? um ok.

me: let me help you, we’re done.

click.

i havent heard much from him since, with the exception of him liking all my recent facebook posts and photos. oh also got a video from the field of a lighting storm with a “i think youd really enjoy this”.

can i please find someone who isnt totally self absorbed and doent treat me like garbage? or at least responds to my texts?

-p