I just don’t see it…

how do I even start this post? Do I go straight to the end and say it didn’t work out? Cuz that’s been my story for the last decade. Haha.

Online dating is weird. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the shallowness of “hey your hot…imma swipe right” kinda thing. This last one had promise or so I fooled myself into thinking it did.

Started out like any other, we chatted, we met, we kissed. Woo hoo. He lived a good 45 minutes away but worked fairly close to where I live. Things slowly progressed, and I was having fun. Actually ended up meeting the close friends AND mom and dad. How that happened I still don’t know.

We had enough in common to make it fun and enough of our own things to make it not annoying. There was a good balance, he even got me to watch Game of Thrones. I know I’m a few years behind everyone when it comes to that, but holy crap that’s an awesome show.

we made plans on a Thursday night to go to dinner and a baseball game Friday. I was taking the day off because I needed a day away from the hell I work in and to get a massage. He would pick me up from my place and we would have the most fun.

Until I wake up to a text Friday morning…

”I don’t think we should see each other anymore”

youve gotta be shitting me. I just looked at my phone and thought it was a joke. Did we not make plans less than 12 hours before? Did you really TEXT me to end things with me? I was able to ask him WTF bro?

he gives me the classic cop out of “I just don’t see anything long term between us and that’s what I want” then continued to contradict himself until I had enough.

oh ok…yeah no that totally makes sense. Tell your mother I said hello and your father that I think you’re an ass.

it’s looking like being that cool single aunt is gonna be my gig…I’m starting to be ok with that.

 

-p

Fly me to the moon…

One of my best friends dates a pilot. That’s a pretty exciting life if you ask me. Seeing as I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant since I was in high school, the people that have a job around airplanes is pretty damn cool if you ask me.

Of course she’s usually looking out for me and seeing as she wants me to move to her city, she’s been trying to find a male counterpart for me to help with the enticement of moving closer to her. 

Her boyfriend has friends naturally. Tho, from what I’ve experienced, the airline industry is a whole different beast. It’s like everyone knows everyone even if they work for different airlines. Weird. Of course I was introduced to a fellow lover of the sky, or an FO as some call them. 

He was cute, naturally and my senior by only 4 years or so, you know the perfect age difference. The first time we met I had a killer migraine and was almost in tears in the back of my friends jeep. We get to the pilots apartment (luxury is just one word I would use to describe it) and I walk straight to his Restoration Hardwear leather couch and collapse. I ask for some water and any kind of pain medicine this kid has. Hi nice to meet you. 

I end up rallying (still don’t know to this day how I managed that one) and we make our way to a brewery a few blocks away. Long story short, we end up hitting it off. A lot. 

This is awesome. He’s funny, good looking, has a stable, bombass job and seems into me. Win. 

He flys to me one weekend and I drive to him a few weekends later. This continues for a while. The bottles of wine that he brings me are delicious and the hand holding in the back of an Uber makes me feel like I’m in high school again. We text each other every since we met. 

Seeing as his schedule is all over the place and mine is a solid 9-5 it seemed to work, at least well enough. No we weren’t up each other’s asses thank God, I’m not into that and from what I gathered, neither was he. 

Got a text from him last night asking if he could call me today. That was weird cuz he’s not a fan of talking on the phone, then again who really is these days? He called me while I was out at a bar with some coworkers and starts off with “so I have to tell you something.” 

Oh cool, he’s actually married and wants to work it out with his wife? Nah, thank goodness it wasn’t that. 

He just has just been seeing someone for 2 weeks now and “didn’t want to disappoint 2 women so he felt the need to tell me.” Gee thanks. I sweep it under the rug and agree to “just be friends”. Since when in the history of ever has that worked? 

Really? I mean really? That’s nice bro. Could we not even have a conversation on where this was going? 

It’s funny because this past weekend I almost texted him just letting him know that I’ve started to really catch feelings for him. Glad I didn’t. I would have felt like a huge L 7 weenie. 

 Enjoy your new person loser. I hope she has a smelly crotch. 

-p

Damn Daniel….back at it again with an ex…

I would love to say my luck with bad dates has changed but then I would be lying. Clearly nothing to exciting has happened since my last post. Let me think back….

Dated an Army man during the turn of the year…for a second time. Remember the one who turned out to be a huge dickwad and giant liar? Yeah that one. After refusing to reply to his random text videos of thunderstorms (my favorite) and a funny gif here or there he finally wore me down with a snap of Tiffanys saying “reminds me of you”. 

Now I’m not obsessed with the store, nor do I have the bank account to be. I am however deeply in love with the color. Well that peeked my interest and responded with a “why?”

I was cold and fairly snarky the through the first handful of snaps, keeping him at a distance which he more than anything deserved. Well he wore me down with the persistence and sweetness. 

Damn it!! 

I ageed to a lunch in which he picked me up from work. Was my hair and makeup on point and was my skirt just tight enough to be dangerous? You’re damn right. Did he accidentally bump a car at a stop light after he dropped me off because he was thinking about my booty? YUP. 

Lunch was done and he had given me a gift, in a little blue bag. I win. 

It was just a sliver ring that I had been wanting for my middle finger. It was his “im sorry” gift. Yeah ok. 

Long story short, he asked me to be his girlfriend in the sweetest way and I thought he had grown up. Nah, course not. The laundry list of issues became even more apparent when I ripped off the rose colored glasses. I cut slingload and made him cry. At that point I was way to emotionally disconnected from the entire thing. 

Back on the Bumble train and hoping any and all of my friends know anyone worth 5 minutes of my time? Anyone….hello?

Let’s see how tired my thumb gets this time.

-p

heidi ho neighbor…

i cant remember which terrible free site i was on and met the last winner, not like it matters. i dont know if im too nice or just looking for losers in all the wrong places.

he was sweet. i knew it. it went all downhill from there. he was also clean shaven. in theory thats not a bad thing. i also dont have a specific type. maybe thats my problem. i still gave him a chance. i also found out he lived within a stones throw away from me. no joke. i thought it might be super convenient. a possible neighbor romance? ok.

of course i was wrong.

after a few days of texting, i agreed to meet up at the local craft brew bar? conveniently right down the road. i only agreed on that because i did not want to drive downtown. the conversation wasnt terrible. he was actually pretty smart. then i started to glaze over worse than a doughnut. i dont even remember what he was saying. he wasnt funny. all girls like a guy who can make her laugh.

after one beer, 2 book clubs and an awkward kiss at the end of the night he sailed right into the friend zone. we said our awkward goodbyes and that was that. or so i thought.

im a terrible closer. or maybe i just dont like hurting their feelings. the next day he texted me and my responses were short and sweet. then i get this…

“i sense a steep decline in your interest since yesterday. were you weirded out that i kissed you? if im misinterpreting that then great, but i dont want to prolong this if youre not interested.”

whoops.

-p

busy…but not really

ive been pretty busy lately, going on dates? no but reading and dodging complete toolbags. talk about weeding out the bad ones.

i think ive gotten the hang of this online dating thing. just kidding ive only found out that 95% of the douches out there cant read or understand the word no. take for instance one of my fewest suitors, jabba the hut. red flags all over this mug not to mention the fact he openly is “Mainly looking for a BDSM relationship. If you would like to be treated like the Goddess you are would love to chat.” REALLY?! so i guess the part of my profile where i specifically say “dont message me if youre just trying to get some” doesnt apply to him? gross. lay off the creampuffs and stop watching 50 shades.

then there was this guy. when you look like a mix between the main character of renegade (only lacking the delicious six pack and chest) and a washed up wrestler from the 80’s, there is a very specific lady looking for you. i however am not her. also dont just send me a message of a winky face.

should we talk about stretch? yeah this guy…6foot 12foot 9. i can dig it. ive never been out with anyone who i could completely see up there nose. and maybe there is a reason why…

look. im not against giving my number out to anyone who asks for it. maybe thats not a good thing? but it really does get annoying having to keep opening up this stupid website. stretch seemed harmless enough. until the conversation went from “we should meet up” to “you need to come over”. again…excuse me? look here punk, i dont know you from adam, and seeing as im not 100% caught up on my Ninjutsu (yeah its a real thing…wikki it) im not an idiot and going to go to your house. just stop. be smart.

then “mike” started blowing up my phone. and by blowing up i mean it goes a little something like this…

“hey” 1:16am

“hey!!!” next day 12:32am

shirtless picture

“come over” 11:38pm

another shirtless picture

my response – “do you even own a shirt?”

sometimes my emasculating does the trick. im an ass i know.  hopefully it will work on these winners.

time to get my hair done.

-p

when a bad date…gets badder

still fresh returning to the dating scene, i try my best to keep an open mind and expand my horizons. i have recently learned that is not always the best way to go about it.

i also lived out why one should never dip their pen into the company ink. ever.

i thought maybe because this guy was in a completely different department and i never even saw him at work, it wouldn’t really matter. boy, was i wrong. guys are bigger gossip queens than girls. having already accepted the facebook friend request and chatted for the day, i had accepted the date. and my date went a little something like this…

after a knock on my door and a quick, awkward handshake (what?) standing in my breezeway and famished, we decide on sushi. sounds great! he then asks if we can take my car because his is dirty (what?). i thought he was joking. apparently not. what kind of guy knowing hes going out with a girl wouldn’t clean his chariot? it didn’t look dirty, and i’m never afraid to get a little dirt on me. whatever. so i drive to get sushi. i’ve already deducted points in my mind for the handshake and the “dirty” vehicle (i call bs). i pull up for sushi and the place is closed. why? cuz its 10pm. you know, a good decent time to go on a date. we opt for a local burger place instead. (minus a few more points regardless on how yummy the burger was).

while chatting and combing through the bs (inflated male lies and stories and braggings) of getting to know each other, i begin to realize just how strange he was…i wasn’t interested in his sudden weight loss of 35 lbs in 2 months (lucky bitch). regardless, we got on the topic of video games and my nerd side came out, which it had before and he had just so happened to bring super smash brothers. this is the only the game i had been wanting for forever. he challenged me to a game and i accepted. i didn’t realize inviting a guy (calm down, i knew him. kinda) into my apartment was a summons for him to try to put the moves on me (stupid rookie move). don’t worry i’ve learned my lesson. listen, guys, when attempting to woo a girl, i believe one should never pull the “guppy sucker fish maneuver”. that’s right, cornering a lady in her couch and going full guppy will never get you a second date.

although the cold hand of rejection ended that attempt, my facebook has now been blown up with messages declaring how he wants more and wants to take me out again. i didn’t respond for a while, then apologized for leading him on and he should probably move on. i’ve still gotten messages wanting to hang out…and more declarations about how he wants to see me again and be with me. heaven help me why do i attract all the crazies?

next.

-pineapple